My father is 72 years old and his health is drastically failing. He was released from a two month stint of back-to-back hospital and nursing home stays just last weekend. He is now staying with one of my brothers because he cannot be on his own. While he is home alone most of the day he refuses any licensed home care. Why?
Most of us grew up with the important message that it is vital to be independent and to do as much as you can on your own. It’s a great message. We should learn as early in life as possible to care for ourselves. Do our own laundry, prepare meals, provide for our own food/shelter/clothing. Relying solely on anyone else for the long term is risky.
What we have interpreted is to not take the crutch if we don’t need it. Walk on your own two feet.
But when is the message taken too far? When should we take the crutch and lean on others?
Example-
Back in 2014 when we first got our dog Koji, he was an exuberant, wild little 28 lb plaything fresh off the trucks from the south. I hadn’t had a dog in over 25 years and I could count on my hands the number of time I ever leash walked a dog. My husband and our children never had a dog. We put a leash on him and I instantly realized I couldn’t control him. So I purchased a harness.
Before that harness arrived we had an electric fence put in and the installer/fence trainer told us we would have to take control or the dog would control us. This applied to walking, eating, crating, drives in the car- basically everything. When that harness arrived I was embarrassed to have ordered it and put it was in the back of the new space I cleared out in what was now the dog’s cabinet.
Fast forward a year I was walking Koji one morning before work and as usual having trouble controlling his pulling with his now 70 lb body. A squirrel ran by and he pulled me down front forward while the leash came out of my hand and he ran off into the woods.
This became a regular occurrence. I stopped wearing flip flops to walk him, I had my cell phone close by in case I needed to call for help, I often had a pain in my arm from being yanked, and my right hand and lower arm were perpetually red from wrapping the leash around so many times. Being pulled down and sliding on my belly a few feet was a regular occurrence that I lived with.
It took another TWO years when one hot summer morning Koji saw a squirrel and I was pulled down again that I saw the area was safe from cars and I just let go of the leash.
At this point in my life I was in a 30 day mental health out treatment program and going to be late if he didn’t come back soon. I didn’t want to walk in with my legs and tummy scraped up. I only imagined what they might think. And that is when I realized that they would think I needed to walk that dog with a harness.
It was like the clouds parted as I laid on the ground watching Koji happily bouncing back from across the street that I remembered I still had that harness somewhere and that there was no shame in using it. I saw plenty of people with large and small dogs alike using harnesses. I didn’t think any less of them and even if I had- who cares? They are using what they feel comfortable with to live alongside their furry companions.
Later that morning while I shared my morning dog walk story with my group during check in, I tied it to a tool we had learned just the previous afternoon. It was about adjusting our expectations to be able to live alongside others by accepting reasonableness versus reality.
I don’t want to digress too far down the rabbit hole, but this does tie in.
The previous afternoon our group lesson therapist made the connection to the reasonable/reality tool while one of the younger male participants was complaining about what a poor role model his father was. Our therapist asked him if it was reasonable for him to want a father he could look up to- and the young man said yes. He was then asked -knowing the reality of how his father behaves if it’s a realistic expectation to have of his father… the answer was no.
I didn’t like that answer. I was sort of struggling with it the previous 24 hours up until I was describing my morning walk with Koji. Was it reasonable for me to want to walk a dog with just a leash and a collar around his neck? Yes it was. Given my dog’s size and lack of professional training, was it realistic for me to do so? OH HECK NO.
I went home and took out that harness and never fell down since.
This is now a famous story I tell when teaching yoga and my students are in the pigeon pose. As I lead the student to the pose I encourage them to grab some props around them- a blanket, bolster or block. As I walk them through the pose I demonstrate where to use the props should they need them. Most do not touch the props. As we lower our foreheads down I often see students struggling as they attempt to take their bodies to places their body is resisting.
Pigeon is a pose that is held for a while. As your body adjusts to the new position, the worried clenching muscles loosen and the body is able to go deeper into the stretch. I tell the proverbial crutch/dog walking harness story and how there is no shame in just accepting what is reasonable to want and realistic to accept. More often than not a few students will reach their arms around and find a prop to help support the pose.
There are many tools I have forgotten until I heard them enough and ones I scarce use from that outpatient mental health treatment and other forms of therapy I’ve participated in before and after that. But the reasonable vs realistic one has stuck to me like a welcome new invisible and incredibly helpful limb. It has allowed me to take the proverbial crutch and adjust my expectations in the healthiest of ways.
There is a part of that initial ingrained message about doing it without help that is important and shouldn’t be forgotten either.
Example
I had toe surgery in January and knew I would be non weight bearing for at least 6 weeks. I knew I would get crutches, but I know how much I dislike crutches. I knew I would have to depend on help with driving the entire time, and doing almost everything particularly that first week when my foot had to stay elevated all day.
I took the crutch. I accepted my husbands help.
But I took it further in both directions.
I purchased a knee scooter and one legged half crutch so I could be arms free exercise.
I got up off the couch and crawled to the floor to stretch when I could.
I took my 3rd shower alone when while my husband was working I tried out the half crutch and performed every movement slowly and mindfully. I knew he was close by if I needed help- but I attempted to do it alone.
Taking the crutch doesn’t mean taking advantage or giving it. It means using what is available when it’s needed, but not using it if it’s possible to do without it.
It’s about taking only what is needed.
It means accepting what is reasonable vs what is realistic.
It means using props in yoga until you no longer need them. Should it be 1 minute later when your muscles relax or 2 years down the line- or never… it’s all ok and the way it is.
I often tell students in pigeon that my left hip is inflamed (which it is) and demo using the blanket to cushion that side.
I will often see a smile break out as I then tell the dog harness story. I see their bodies soften, visually communicating the acceptance they feel toward their body and personal abilities. I tell the story often and premise it with “if you’ve done pigeon with me before, please bare with my story as I tell it to the ones who hadn’t heard it”.
I hope like me that hearing the same message several times helps it to stick. I hope they take the message off the mat like I took a lesson hot off a therapy session and can apply it to other areas in life. I hope they create their own stories of taking the crutch and sharing it with others who struggle.
We all struggle. We all remember a lesson or two that has stuck. I’d love to hear what has stuck with you- as it might help me too!
Love to all. Namaste
esterinaanderson.com 