Monday, July 18, 2016 around 8:15pm
Daren and I are on a small little puddle jumper plane to Toronto enroute to Vancouver for the week for a conference of his. We have been rushing all afternoon to make this flight. Once we arrived at the gate it was delayed. We grabbed a quick bite of some apps and an IPA only to learn the plane was leaving on time somehow. We rushed back to the gate and jumped on the plane. I was stressing the whole drive home from work today realizing how poorly my organization treats its employees. I don’t know if I want to work for an organization like that any longer. As soon as we sat down in our seats I was incredibly thirsty and had severe indigestion from scarfing down unhealthy food and rushing around. Then as soon as the plane took off and my body started to vibrate, it was like a wave of emotions were free to course through my body. I started to sob uncontrollably below the sound of the loud engines and had my first panic attack in the last 5 weeks. Daren held me tight and stroked my hair asking me to talk to him. I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t sure what was wrong. Finally he asked if it was those jokers at work and I realized it was. My job really got to me today. Upon that realization I broke down even more, now aware of what it was. The release of pent up emotions was a welcome relief to the burden of stress that was building up over the past week. Daren encouraged me to think about leaving my job again. And then he pointed out the beautiful sunset that we were flying right into at the moment. Literally right now I am flying off into the sunset. Is it time for a change?
Wednesday, July, 20, 2016 8:33am
Just taking a break after a 3 mile run on a beautiful pedestrian pathway in Vancouver, BC. What a beautiful morning. The temperature is only 62 degrees. I’m sitting on the water in Stanley park. I’m so lucky to be alive and have this opportunity to explore a new city and travel. As I was running I was thinking about the Gwen Stefani song “Running”. It’s playing in my mind now. One day back in April on the way home from work, I heard this song for the first time in years, and for some reason it made me cry. I thought about Daren and how since the moment I met him we have been literally running. The pace of my life picked up 10 fold and not all for good reason or measure. My stress started to grow then. And it accumulated until I literally crashed and fell down after 6 years now. Blending a family is not easy. We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into and it has both broken and built us. We are stronger than ever has as individuals and a couple but the path was an ugly and very difficult one. I wish someone would have told me how difficult it was going to be and assisted us through the changes we were inevitably going to go through. It’s really time to stop running. Can I possibly help other new divorcees navigate a new marriage? What does the future hold for me?
As I was jogging this morning I was also thinking about the term way finder. It popped into my mind yesterday when Daren and I were walking around the city talking about my job and other potential opportunities to explore. I have been feeling as if I’m on the cusp of something new for a few months now. I’m in no rush to make hard and fast decisions about what new might be because I’m enjoying this journey of self discovery so much. The one decision that was clear to me yesterday however was that I need to stay at my job for now and continue to fight for an alternative work schedule. Not just for myself, but for others who will need this after me in the days to come.
I remember one summer when I was a preteen and my aunt Fran and grandmother took my brothers, cousins and I to Seaside Heights on the Jersey shore. During sunset walking toward the one upside down roller coaster on the beach my cousin Camille and I were determined to ride, we passed one of those palm reader booths on the boardwalk. My cousin pointed it out as we walked a little closer and was talking about what she knew about palms. The palm reader herself was standing at the door. As my cousin was talking, the lady looked right at me and through me. She said “Your eyes… You are an Indigo child”. I had no idea or care what that meant and hadn’t thought about it much that day or until a few years ago. In 2012 I started to spiritually awaken. It’s a whole experience and story in and of itself, but I did learn in the metaphysical sense that an Indigo child is a way finder and someone who fights for what they believe in if it will better society. I don’t want in any way to label myself or be anything, but I do identify with seeing past the surface and having a feeling about what is incredibly the right thing to do. I want to go the mat for the alternative work schedule option that employees have the right to be considered for. And I want this experience to propel me to perhaps take charge of my life in other ways and tap into my talents and deep rooted things that I love.
When I was 18 and was a week away from graduating boot camp, I once again found myself on the Jersey shore, this time at Wildwood. My company (X-ray 144) was out on a day of liberty in our uniforms enjoying the boardwalk in late September 1994. I was walking again on the boardwalk with my closest shipmate from boot camp. Her name was Cindy and we just met a few weeks before in MEPS on 8/8/94. We ended up getting stationed with on the USCGC Boutwell and driving across the country together. That late September day Cindy convinced me we should see a Palm reader. We separately went in and had our palms read. I walked out thinking none of what the gypsy predicted would be possible. She said I would be getting married soon to someone I hadn’t met yet. I would have two marriages in my life and I would successfully own my own business. I had a boyfriend in high school at the time I had no intention of breaking up with anytime soon. I did not want to ever experience a divorce and I certainly didn’t want my own business. I have watched my parents and grandmother struggle with their own businesses and never having health insurance or vacation days and I didn’t want that. It was why I joined the military. But… A few weeks later I met my first husband. We married when I was 19 and had two children within the next few years.
A few years down the road In my early 20s, I was back in Long Island visiting my family and my mother had somehow become involved with an eccentric group of individuals and kept asking me to go get my palm read. I didn’t go, but she somehow talked my brother Frankie into going while I was still visiting. Frankie came back and told me the women mentioned me a lot during his palm reading. Me?? How odd. She asked if he had a sister and talked about how I thought I was above other people and fight for things. I was rather insulted by this woman who never even laid eyes on me. He also threw in there that she said I would have my own business. Even stranger. Frankie seemed equally insulted. He said he told her clearly you don’t know my sister. She is one of the most humble people I know and she hates the idea of owning a business, even though he himself has encouraged me to think about such a thing (what we were taught as kids). Funny… I never thought myself to be someone who would grow a backbone and think it’s ok to be different to fight for what I believe in and not sit back quietly with the others. I’m not afraid to put my life or job or anything on the line to do the right thing. And I did end up in a second marriage. So far these crazy gypsy predictions have been spot on. What’s next?
A way finder? A business owner? Tapping into my loves and talents. The world and possibilities are endless. I did end up in a second marriage. With an awesome partner that fought right through the hard times with me, and is just as open as I am about trying new things and taking risks for something you are passionate about. To do that and explore it I personally need to slow down and enjoy this most amazing journey and gift of life. I’ll continue to run for exercise and keep the old ticker in shape, but no more in my life. Thank you panic attacks for being my warning signal about what I can handle and helping me to stop and literally see the gorgeous sunset I’m flowing right into as my life is changing in the most beautiful ways.
So many people have been a part of my life for a reason and I’m thankful for every single one of them. These days I’m the most thankful for my husband. For with him I am most inspired and feel free and loved and able to get through this crazy fun amazing world.
Slower is better. Time is really our enemy. Time and money, separation, being on the run…. (Thanks Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon!) I could write a whole book about the meaning of that album, maybe some other day. For now I need to run back 3 miles to the hotel and shower to enjoy my super slow in no rush to get anywhere day, while I continue my journey of contemplating how to be my best self in the world using what I have been given by this beautiful and expansive universe. Namaste.
No Doubt lyrics (because they inspired me to stop, sit on a bench and write this morning while on a long jog)
Run, running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side
Me, I’m the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
And I’m so sorry that I’ve fallen
Help me up, let’s keep on running
Don’t let me fall out of love
Running, running, as fast as we can
Do you think we’ll make it?
(Do you think we’ll make it?)
We’re running, keep holding my hand
So we don’t get separated
Be, be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don’t stop inspiring me
Sometimes it’s hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don’t make me want to give up
Running, running as fast as we can
I really hope we make it
(Do you think we’ll make it?)
We’re running, keep holding my hand
So we don’t get separated