I post a lot of happy photos and experiences on social media. I have a pretty good life. One thing I almost never write or post about is Daren & my biggest struggle. The largest hurdle we haven’t gotten over and continue to learn about and navigate is having a blended family.
I’ve written countless journal entries over the years. We’ve written hundreds of heartfelt emails to one another, our kids and our extended family trying to explain where we are coming from. I don’t really know anyone in real life with a current blended family to turn to for advice or to vent. There are little to no resources.
Over the years in complete frustration I’ve turned to the Internet. It’s been helpful in learning how we are not alone, but as with many things in life the “tips” (if you can call them that) are much easier said than done. In the past week I’ve been a bit selfish and have only been looking up information about stepmothers. In the past I ran across information and angry forums where biological moms and step-moms posted and complained about one another. It was all a bit too much for me, yet I kept reading the same kind of stories and threads over and over. This week I tried to stick with peer-reviewed information only. There is little to none. The closest thing I can find that has a lot of information are Psychology periodicals. The New York Times and Huffington Post had some articles too, but on average 1–2 a year, and they are more informational for the public to be aware of the struggles that blended families experience rather than a help to the blended family itself.
What shocks me is how “textbook” we are. We fell hook, line & sinker into exactly what normally happens.
Stepmothers generally have such a bad reputation. It’s often long into adulthood, usually after grandchildren/step-grandchildren are born, that the relationship between a stepmother and her stepchildren starts to flourish. Until then it’s often contentious, and it doesn’t have to be. These are 3 things in order that a family could do to speed up that process.
The parents should work together to establish the boundaries, rules and consequences in their home (father and stepmother).
Both biological parents should work together to maintain as many commonalities as possible between both homes and back one another up, or at least check in when the children complain about one home or the other.
The biological mother should give her children permission to accept the stepmother in their lives.
This is the bare minimum to ensure success. Taking it further might look like all three (or four if mom is remarried) parents working together, especially if either stepparent has children living in their home. Mature adults realize this is in the best interest of all kids involved. Without the above three factors in place, the situation is practically a perfect setup for failure. However, we are so quick to blame the stepmother when anything goes wrong. Why? The world believes the fairy tale evil stepmother fantasy. She is the easy target because she is the outsider and no one feels any loyalty to her.
This is a very lonely feeling. As a stepmother you wonder what is wrong with you. You lose part of yourself. You question every word you say. I felt really alone for so long. It’s comforting to now know that many stepmothers experience similar feelings—being blamed, misunderstood, and caught in situations they didn’t create, simply because of the role they stepped into.
Wow, how that sits with me. So it’s not just me? It’s not something I did or our special situation?
I’ve been accused of thriving on drama, needing my husband’s ex as a common enemy to save my relationship with him, being verbally abusive, making capricious rules, being childish, having an eating disorder, trying to make the children into something they aren’t—the list goes on. To anyone who knows me in real life, this sounds ridiculous. But if you didn’t know me and heard I’m a stepmother, you really might believe it, because of the perception that already exists.
Why do so many women have the same experience?
From what I’ve read and experienced, the stepmother is often the first to notice something isn’t working and starts to look for ways to improve the situation. She tries to create structure and understanding within the home, and that can sometimes come across as controlling or authoritative, even when the intention is the opposite. That can create resentment and distance right from the start.
I’ve also noticed that stepfathers often seem to have a different experience. In many situations, dynamics between households play a role, especially when emotions from the past haven’t fully settled. That can create ongoing tension between homes, and the stepmother often ends up in the middle of it, feeling both responsible and powerless at the same time.
The above becomes even more complicated when the stepmother has children of her own and is trying to create a fair and balanced home for everyone. It’s so important that all the kids feel at home, but when expectations differ between households, it can create a divide between step-siblings and make it difficult to maintain consistency.
If we could all just co-parent seamlessly, many of these issues would likely ease, but that requires a level of communication and maturity that isn’t always present. Unfortunately, the stepmother is often the one labeled as the problem.
These are some common myths that I find so absurd.
She is jealous of the children.
That is such a strange accusation, yet it’s widely believed. I’ve heard it long before I ever became a stepmother, I’ve heard it about myself, and I see it come up again and again. The idea that someone would secretly try to manipulate situations to make children look bad just doesn’t align with the reality I’ve experienced.
She tries to exert power over the blended family and make the children’s lives miserable.
What kind of person actually wants to see children miserable? I ask that honestly. I can’t think of anyone in my real life who operates that way.
I think a lot of people hear one side of a story and form their opinions from that. What might look like strictness or control is often something as simple as asking for basic respect, structure, and consistency.
In step-families where the father is the biological parent, it’s not uncommon for dynamics between households to influence parenting styles. When expectations differ significantly, the stepmother can end up being the one trying to create balance, which can easily be misunderstood.
After this happens repeatedly, the stepmother can begin to feel like she has no control in her own home and has to walk on eggshells. Over time, that only makes things more difficult, and the situation can start to feel strained in ways that weren’t there at the beginning.
She shouldn’t have any say when it comes to the children.
This is a partial myth. There are areas where she should have a voice—anything that directly impacts her home, her time, her schedule, or her children. And there are areas where she shouldn’t. Finding that balance isn’t always clear.
Discipline is one of the most difficult areas. If something happens within the home, it makes sense that the adults in that home address it together. But when expectations differ across households, it can create confusion and tension for everyone involved. Consistency matters, especially when multiple children are involved, and when it’s lacking, it can create resentment between siblings.
If she is kind, the children will warm up to her.
Not necessarily. There are many factors at play, including loyalty. Children can feel that accepting a stepmother is a betrayal of their biological mother, even if that’s never said directly. That creates a barrier that the stepmother has no control over.
Over time, I’ve come to understand that even kindness doesn’t always resolve that dynamic. Relationships take time, and sometimes they don’t develop the way you expect.
Culturally, there is also a double standard. Children are allowed to feel however they feel, but the stepmother is expected to show patience and understanding at all times.
She isn’t immature and childish; she is human, often trying to navigate something incredibly complex without much guidance.
Are you a stepmother or know of any? Try looking at things from her perspective. Most little girls don’t grow up with dreams of marrying a man with children. Almost no woman sets out seeking that situation. Choosing it usually means you love someone enough to take on everything that comes with their life, including the parts that are already complicated.
That doesn’t make anyone perfect. It just makes them human.
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