This story (two paragraphs down) has come up for me in various ways during past few weeks. I’ve been referencing it in thought and in conversations. I feel the story is rich with many lessons, particularly the meat of the story on emotions. One lesson I continue to ponder and adjust my own behavior on is clarity in communication.
This week alone there were at least five occasions at work and three at home where I was listening intently to another person and either during the communication or shortly thereafter realized that there was more than one way to interpret what was being said. Yesterday I interrupted an ongoing written chat to suggest that it’s difficult to get what is inside one person’s head into another’s and asked if we could verbally communicate. Since I read and discussed this story, I have been picking up the phone and turning on my camera far more often than before to make sure that I am on the same page as the other individual(s) I am working with.
Negative Emotions by Lydia Davis
A well-meaning teacher, inspired by a text he had been reading, once sent all the other teachers in his school a message about negative emotions.
The message consisted entirely of advice quoted from a Vietnamese Buddhist monk:
Emotion, said the monk, is like a storm: it stays for a while and then it goes. Upon perceiving the emotion (like a coming storm), one should put oneself in a stable position. One should sit or lie down. One should focus on one’s abdomen. One should focus, specifically, on the area just below one’s navel, and practice mindful breathing. If one can identify the emotion as an emotion, it may then be easier to handle.
The other teachers were puzzled. They did not understand why their colleague had sent a message to them about negative emotions. They resented the message, and they resented their colleague. They thought he was accusing them of having negative emotions and needing advice about how to handle them. Some of them were, in fact, angry.
The teachers did not choose to regard their anger as a coming storm. They did not focus on their abdomens. They did not focus on the area just below their navels. Instead, they wrote back immediately, declaring that because they did not understand why he had sent it, his message had filled them with negative emotions. They told him that it would take a lot of practice for them to get over the negative emotions caused by his message. But, they went on, they did not intend to do this practice. Far from being troubled by their negative emotions, they said, they in fact liked having negative emotions, particularly about him and his message.
This reading opened my eyes to how often there is a disconnect between what is said and what is understood. I just haven’t noticed this before. It is particularly apparent when the communication is in writing.
I would like to convey that reading something like this on my own is different than hearing it read. Moreover, the more I read it; the richer it becomes. And when it’s discussed with other people I get perspectives I would have never come to on my own.
Well DUH…
This is often the case for me too in a local library writing group I attend and a banned book club that I often participate in.
My favorite recent example of this “Duh” is after reading this passage about the teacher, a member of the group brought up the author’s use of the words “well-meaning teacher”. A poignant question was asked –Would the story have been interpreted differently had those 3 words not been there?
Good question! And my own answer is yes- absolutely.
In one the many recent times I brought this story up and related it to a topic that was being discussed, the idea of being a third-party observer came to mind. The third party (reader) could discern that the teacher’s well-meaning intention does change the nature of the story. But that cannot necessarily be seen if you are a character in the story.
I would like to say that in the past I looked at all perspectives and intents neutrally; but that wouldn’t be an honest assessment if I am honest with myself.
I know I always intended to do this. I know often I tried to put myself in the other person’s shoes. I know sometimes (more rarely) I did try to imagine I was writing a position paper and imagined how one could argue both sides. But those were for touchy issues. In my everyday life while communicating I assumed I understood and was being understood. Something about this story of the teachers flipped that assumption for me.
Recently I have been looking at all communication with the assumption that I probably don’t understand and I’m probably not being understood.
In the end what does this all mean? Well, that we need to pay attention more to what we are saying and how we are listening.
Soooooo….. at this point I could imagine one saying
“That sounds complicated Esterina, I don’t have time or patience to think about everything I am about to say or think about what you mean!”
… and I can’t really disagree. What I am describing takes mental work and a little time that I didn’t apportion to it before.
But the more I think about it, the more important I realize this is necessary and worth the effort. It’s an investment into saving time, building trust, and fostering peace.
This next part might sound divergent from the topic, but it’s not particularly.
Over this last summer I did something I have been meaning to do for years. I changed my political affiliation to “unaffiliated”. I came to the realization that I don’t think the left and the right are that different in thoughts. Neither want school shootings to go on, unwanted pregnancies and subsequent babies, or to be hated because of what they look like or who they love. Small snippets, barbs and banners like “baby killer” or “2nd amendment” do not do justice to the complex topics and the varying ways they can be resolved that the majority of people who don’t reside on far left/right spectrums could find a solution to. We are all so distracted by extremes and categorizing, and are so busy and sure of ourselves that we aren’t taking the time to think anything through.
Aligning and dividing is the quick solution. These divisions are based on assumptions of what you think the other party’s intention is.
What I am describing is a human and natural response. But it doesn’t make it morally right. And it certainly doesn’t foster peace.
Not many people are listening with the intent to hear. We were not really taught anywhere how to listen.
It is mental work to consider the ways in which your words might have different meanings to someone listening.
It’s even more difficult to consider a point of view you don’t like. Or be open to changing your mind. Or to stay put and engaged when a topic makes you uneasy.
But I will argue that it’s wrong to run away, ignore, retort back without thinking through how your words could be interpreted and it’s certainly not helpful to not consider the filters and paradigms you operate in.
How could you not want to do this work and then wonder why we don’t have world peace?
This short story about the teacher goes deeper for me, in that we frequently get so caught up in what we think are other’s intentions and agendas, we often miss the opportunity to have a rich discussion about the topic at hand.
What was not discussed in my group or even here in the blog was the whole intention of this poor fictional teacher’s message about how emotions come and go like weather. What an awesome and very true analogy! And the irony of how the very message about emotions was neglected because of you guessed it- emotions….
I could go on… I could always go on, but I will stop and end with one more note to possibly consider.
It’s a new year. I gave up on New Year’s Resolutions a while ago. But I will never give up on wanting to be a better human and leaving the space I took up in the world better than I found it. If you don’t want to make New Year’s Resolutions but want to consider something to work on, perhaps contemplate how you might remove yourself from the stories you find yourself in and imagine being the reader of that story who is able to see and reflect on the full picture. And perhaps think about that monk’s message too, the one that got lost in all this the next time you sense a storm…
Happy New Year
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