Harris

A few days I met with a group of women. The group is not large, but a little too large for intimate conversation without a small amount of facilitation. So there is a discussion topic for each time we meet that everyone is aware of ahead of time. For this meeting the discussion topic was as follows:

What do you feel you can do better – or like better about yourself at this age versus when you were younger? 

Consequently, what do you feel you did better or liked better about yourself when you were younger vs. now? 

The caveat was that we couldn’t discuss our bodies. 

I absolutely loved hearing what other women had to share. I personally have so many things on the first question and not many on the second. My initial response to the second question was that I miss having passion for work. 

This morning however while I was walking my dog and contemplating many Facebook Friend’s need to criticize Kamala Harris for smiling and laughing too much, I realized that what I really miss about being younger is laughing. 

This realization began with me feeling a kinship with Kamala for laughing and smiling too much. I remember being in class on the first day of school every year and a teacher saying something quite funny that everyone chuckled at, but I laughed. Like really laughed. Ten minutes later I would remember what they said and giggle about it again. It was those times that I felt free and connected. I was engaged and listening and not worried about what other people thought of me. I was open to hearing and learning and contributing – and just being.

I used to laugh with my friends. I laughed so so so much my family, particularly my brother Mario. 

When I joined the military and was in Boot Camp I used to get in trouble for laughing and often the contagion it caused. The company commanders were quite hilarious when yelling at us or instilling advice. “It looks like the captains cat puked on your belt buckle recruit! How can you show up looking like this?” 

I’d laugh. My friend Brando would catch on. Others started too. The company commander would yell more- which only became funnier. Sometimes that company commander would eventually laugh too. Other times when they continued to scream I’d see from the corner of my eye that their lips would turn upward and they were hiding their amusement and light heart from us. 

Do I think that because we broke out laughing that it would be ok to show up with a dirty belt buckle for inspection? Of course not. The lesson wasn’t less powerful because we laughed at it. 

Years later in my early professional career I would sit in meetings and look around.  I would often take a pulse of the audience to see how engaged they were. What I would often see and most often on women, was a resting frown. Now we have the term of “resting bitch face”. 

I saw that these individuals were mostly engaged, but their faces told a different story. They looked miserable and angry. I’d take note that my lips probably were resting in the same way and would actually change my lips into a happier, yet non smiling, neutral position on purpose. I didn’t want to look miserable because I didn’t actually feel miserable. When I facilitated meetings and saw this face on participants, I would throw humor in the mix just so that face would leave. When someone in the crowd either during a meeting I was facilitating or participating in would make a funny comment, I’d laugh to acknowledge that I not only heard them, but appreciated the comic relief. What I found when people were smiling and appreciating that I heard their humor, is that they were more engaged and open to hearing others. 

As I’m pushing 50 I don’t laugh nearly as much as I used to, but I notice I still laugh more than most people and try to smile, engage and add comic relief when engaging with others. It’s a habit I don’t even think about now. 

So what is so wrong with smiling and laughing? When you smile people often smile back. No matter how serious the conversation is, having a sense of openness is always appropriate and smiling often indicates openness. It sends out vibes of friendliness and willingness to let others in. It doesn’t mean that the smiler doesn’t have opinions or an agenda or important things to say. 

Smiling and laughing does not equal being stupid. 

I need to understand why we are criticizing Kamala for being happy? For conveying warmth and laughing when someone in the corner says something funny at a time others are trying to be more serious? There is nothing wrong with dialing tension down a notch and acknowledging that we are all human and we can find silliness and humor in nearly anything. Not hurtful humor of course, but humor.

It took a few days, but the question in my women’s group about what I liked about myself when I was younger vs now- is that I laughed. I laughed and laughed it felt good. And it actually made others feel good.