2016 Anderson-Messeder Holiday Greetings

Posted on by Esterina Anderson

What a year! For me this has been the most transitional year of my life. Lots of wonderful things with lots of life lessons that were sometimes a challenge. I’m actually sorry to see the year coming to an end. But all exits lead to new entrances so I’m excited to continue on my own journey. It’s only a calendar right, not a true stopping or starting point right?

I had to peruse through old photos to help dust off the memory – so I decided to include them along here too. 

But before I get into the normal yee-hah, look how wonderful and perfect we are holiday cards that most of us get, I want to level with everyone. We had a wonderful year, but there were many not-so-wonderful things about it too. We had normal blended family issues one too many times over going on for 6 years now that left either Daren or me in tears, arguing and/or holding each other tight at night. We now have four teenagers and although we have four amazing wonderful children – we do deal with normal teenage “butt” kid issues that tick us off, leave us worrying or leave us scratching our heads. We often have too much going on and the house feels stressful more often than I’d like. I myself became so stressed this year that I started having uncontrolled panic attacks and needed to start some medication. I hit my knee and it got freakish water on the knee that regardless of injections would keep coming back, and worse every time until I needed knee surgery – which knocked me out of normal activities for a few weeks. I’m dealing with terrible carpal tunnel syndrome now. It began when we started painting the new house in Branford and has not relented even though I stopped painting once the pain started to wake me up at night. Our pets destroy things & cost us oodles of money in replacement of objects or pet healthcare. There are obnoxious mistakes with our bills, our internet doesn’t always work, after getting rid of cable we can’t always watch what we want on tv and spend hours trying to find a way to do so. We miscommunicate and accidentally don’t understand one another and waste a lot of time that could have been better spent if we only just communicated better upfront. There are often one too many things to do during the week and too many comings and going that leave us utterly exhausted. We laugh & cry & don’t always get along as smashingly as the tv tells us you that you are supposed to. But that is life right? We are real and we all do stupid clown things at times. All six of us yes… 😉 But onto the highlights I would much rather remember. 

January –

Daren & I kicked off New Years day by taking Koji to the beach at Hammonasset. It was a beautiful day. We wanted to let him off leash but there were horses on the beach. Yes… I said horses. He’d never seen a horse before and was completely dumbfounded. Then he proceeded to investigate their droppings (yucky, stinky nose). 

In January I decided to start a 200 hour yoga teacher training. It was kind of an impromptu decision and one of the best ones I made this year. The rest of the month was fairly quiet and dare I say relaxing? When Thomas went back to college mid-month I felt the overwhelming need to capture these special days. So I started blogging on our shared family calendar/shopping list/to do list/meal-recipe site. It’s called Cozi. It also has a journal feature I started using & just kept using. I’ve been posting a few things each week that summarized what we’ve been up to. Thinking about the weekly highlights is a really nice way to start a Friday. Other than that, there was just some snow & some winter treat making – as seen here with Gabby & Koji. 

February –

I turned 40! Something I dreaded for years, but as the weeks approached it didn’t seem like much of a big deal any more and it was nothing more than any other birthday. Daren threw me a surprise party (though it wasn’t much of a surprise – lol). I felt very loved surrounded by family & friends. Thomas even came home from college to be there.

Daren & I also visited with Keegan and Sarah in Portland, OR the week before my birthday. It was too short of a trip but we wine tasted, hiked and spent some qt with Liam & Lilly and had a chance to have some yummy meals with the grown ups too.

  • Snapshot of me & my February birthday homegirls with whom I celebrate together every year (Priscilla & Michele). 
  • A winery Karen “found” in Northford. I thought I knew all the wineries in the state, so this one took me by surprise.  
  • Harvard/Yale hockey game with Daren & Devin.
  • Some winery & hiking pics from Portland. 
  • My daily walk I take at work (stairs). This was just a pretty cold, snow on the ground day. Nothing special other than I was just really happy and wanted to capture the moment.
  • Out to dinner with my “Vannies” at Powder Ridge.
  • Gabby fencing. It was the first match we got the ‘ok’ to come see.

March –

Thomas turned 19 and Devin turned 13. It marked the start of a year that we have four teenagers. Some key highlights from the month:

  • Sherrie & I took Gabby & Sierra Boston to visit the Lush store.
  • Daren met Bernie Sanders’ chief of staff in Washington DC on a work trip
  • Devin wrapped up his hockey season
  • Easter Egg hunting with Mario, Maria & Pops

April –

Oh boy what a month. It was a whirlwind of college visits for Gabby. We took her to SUNY ESF (Environmental Sciences and Forestry) in Buffalo, NY; Boston University; Roger Williams in RI; UMass Dartmouth in MA; and University of Rhode Island. Then didn’t end it there… Gabby & I followed Daren to a conference in San Diego to spend a few days in the sun with David & Angela, and checking out the Scripps Institute with “Uncle Dave” who teased that he would walk in with a southern accent and ask all kinds of embarrassing questions – haha! It was also the month I kicked up the blog I wrote one story in last year. I took a day off after this trip due to stress and ended up writing a blog I decided to publicly share about my stress. I was so touched by the many, many people who publicly and privately reached out to me to share their stories and tell how that I’m not alone, both after that day & many others. I’ve posted many articles since then. If you’ve never checked it out – it’s @ esterinaanderson.com. Take a look and either publicly or privately comment/chat on any of the stories if you feel moved to. 

  • Daren and Gabby on the water of one of the finger lakes (can’t remember which one without looking it up)
  • At SUNY ESF
  • “Uncle David” at Scripps 
  • And lastly, my beautiful daughter Gabrielle had her junior prom. 

May –

Koji turned 2! I took my crazy chances at the peak of my anxiety to ask if I could work part-time (crazy story that I blogged about & ended up with me working a totally different part time job as of last week [11/28]) How to squash a motivated employee. Wrapped up the end of the school year with spring concerts and end of year events and fanfare. Thomas finished his first year of college, came back home for the summer, and resumed work at Best Friends in Prospect (dog daycare/boarding). We hiked & did a bit of CT wine tasting. I got my knee surgery. And we spent a lovely long weekend on Long Island seeing my beautiful niece’s dance recital and hanging out with my father-in-law doing some LI hiking too. Well, I did some LI wobbling with my pained knee. But I went a few miles with it! 

  • Koji’s birthday!
  • Pets always where they aren’t supposed to be.
    • Pictured above this one is a shoe out of a closet when Kieran & I got home. Luckily this one wasn’t destroyed. Guilty looking paws are caught next to it. 
    • Gilmore caught here on the counter hairing up the juice I was about to make. 
  • Memorial Day weekend hiking on Long Island with Dick & Devin

June –

School ended for the other three kids. Gabby turned 17. Daren & I “discovered” the CT breweries & fell in love with IPAs. Daren and Devin built a beautiful stairwell down to the garden from under our deck that we enjoyed this summer. It’s a pretty little sanctuary with a mandala, some adirondack chairs, a swinging bench, a fire pit and some cool lights. Kieran took a little trip to Ireland with his class for Chorus. And we started our European family vacation at the end of June. 

  • Chilling one Saturday afternoon with cards & snacks at Stony Creek Brewery
  • View from under the deck
  • Gabby’s birthday cake
  • International Yoga Day (6/21) with my homegirls at Two Roads.
  • Game of Thrones snacks Thomas made for the season finale 
  • The group (minus Daren who was taking the picture) in Berlin. As you can see my eldest just has to be a clown and cross his eyes for most serious pictures. Ugh… these kids I tell ya! 

July –

This month started out in Europe. We crossed from Berlin to Copenhagen on a train/ferry (pictured below). We took a train over to Sweden and back to Denmark. We came back to CT and the kids started back at work. Kieran worked at the country club golf course in Westhampton Beach by his grandparents (my in-laws). Gabby landed a job at Panera bread and Tom kept his old high school job at Best Friends. Best Friends luckily allows him to bring Koji to work most days, so that stinky black beast gets to play with lots of his doggie friends. Unfortunately there was a bout of kennel cough and Koji got a little sick. He does have his kennel cough shot so it wasn’t too bad. All was good!

Right after we got back from Europe, Daren and I took a trip out to Vancouver, Canada for a work conference he was a part of. It was awesome. I spent the days walking through the city and hiking/doing yoga in a nearby park. What a great city. Cool restaurants and museums. No need for a car.

  • Ferry portion of the trip to Denmark. As you can see, not everyone is happy to take a pic, nor can everyone gets off their phones for a moment. “But there is wifi ma…”
  • Kieran & Devin in Copenhagen 
  • Gabby, Daren, Kieran & Devin in Malmo, Sweden
  • Pokemon Go – All the rage of the summer of ’16
  • Daren & I outside a work dinner at a beautiful restaurant in a park during sunset. All you can eat oysters when we first got in (oh and we did… oh boy we did!). 

August –

August… well…. We decided on the fly to buy a second home 🙂 Well, not too much on the fly. For anyone who knows us well in real life, you would know that Daren and I had always planned to move in 4 1/2 years somewhere else, perhaps to another country, likely a 3rd world one, to help out with healthcare in someway. We of course would want an address in the U.S. and always talked of having a decent home on the shoreline of CT where people would want to rent by the week so we could make some income on a permanent home  that we’d have to keep a mortgage on, and have a place to come home to for holidays & events. Well, while driving back from LI one weekend visiting my step boys who spend four weeks each summer with my in-laws; we started to ask ourselves why we were waiting on the house on the water part. So we came home, found some places we wanted to look at… contacted our good friend Melanie who also happens to be a realtor. And the rest is history! 

Aside from buying a home, running back and forth to LI, and immense stress at work – August 2016 was THE most relaxing month I have had in my adult life. With no school and mostly no kids and their events/practices/sports/comings & goings, every night was like a mini vacation out on our beautiful back deck. Thomas went back to school at the end of the month. Gabby and Devin started 12th and 8th grade respectively. 

  • New trail in Cheshire that I fell in love with. It even got it’s own blog story 🙂 On New Pathways
  • Typical happy hour in the evening this summer. We really fell in love with rose wine (french word, can’t seem to put the accent mark in there) – you know… pink wine. I had a white craze two years ago and always stayed away from the pinks. We found some delightful ones this year. A new love! 
  • Keegan and Liam came to Long Island for a few days this summer. Liam got to see the Mets at Citifield for the first time.
  • View from the yard at the Branford house before we got it. I believe this was from the realtor site. It took so many pics since then. They are all ridiculously gorgeous. 
  • Koji enjoyed his pool this summer.
  • We had a very prolific garden. My co-workers and yoga mates were some of the many recipients of the abundance. 
  • Missy Jean’s first day of senior year (missy jean would be Gabby – in case that was too much to figure out).

September – 

Daren, Gabby, Kieran & I ran the New Haven annual Labor Day 5K. Daren and I beat Kieran and Gabby – it’s nice to know we can run faster than our teenage kids – lol.

Kieran went back to school right after Labor day & wrapped up the summer golf course gig. Everything was back in full swing as the days quickly got shorter and cooler. Hockey, cross country, open house nights – papers to print & sign (printer never works is always out of ink), checks to write, ugh… 

Daren & I got in full swing with a new mini career as furniture renovators for our new house- haha! We bought a ton of furniture between $5 and $50 and repainted and refinished it all. We had such a blast. We did a little end of summer hiking. I made a few last summer pies. Gabby had her senior day at Cross Country. And we closed on the new house! 

Love baking pies!
  • One of the very many before & after pics of the furniture we refinished. 
  • I took a picture of so many pies I made this summer. It was pie summer, I was obsessed. I think the was my last summer pie – but I can’t be 100% certain.
  • The last hike we took this summer. Not because of the weather, but because we started working on the house like crazy lunatic fiends.
  • Gabby’s senior day for XC with her closest XC girlfriends. I cannot believe these girls are seniors. They’ve grown into beautiful young women.
  • House closing day! 

October –

In October we spent a lot of time painting, cleaning and repairing the new house. It was also our five year anniversary & we took a trip to Italy to celebrate. We went to Milan, Venice, Tuscany and Como. And it was Halloween – one of my favorite holidays. 

First full moon at our rental home in Branford Oct 2016
  • Little miss Maria, my awesome brother Mario & me painting one early Sunday morning. 
  • The VACT 2015-2016 Strategic Planning Team. Was something akin to a last supper  – lol.
  • One of many awesome “game nights” (although we hardly play games these days) with some of my favorite girlfriends. 
  • One of many beautiful views at Summer Island Point.
  • Everyone has seen enough of our Italy pictures – so I’ll spare you all. This is something I took a picture of in Italy that I still laugh about. It just makes me smile- seriously 🙂
  • Gabby’s boyfriend Dennis’ first pumpkin carving! His family is from Ukraine. Although he was born here, they’ve never observed the tradition and he wanted to try. Check out Devin in between them photo bombing the pic… Haha – totally cracks me up.

November –

Grateful time of year. We finished up the new house. It came out beautifully. Anyone who wants to see some pics who hasn’t seen the blog or been victims of  us showing you pictures on our iPhones – they are available at New Vacation Home Renovations

We spent one weekend visiting Thomas in Portland, ME. We rented a cool apartment in the heart of town and brought Koji with us. The weather was gorgeous and we had a great time. It was the Clinton/Trump election. Gabby had her senior year Cross Country banquet which was very beautiful but sad because these young girls have been together forever! It was the busiest month ever with Daren traveling to Seattle, Boston, and Colorado, and the usual kid scheduling craziness. In the middle of it all I had a peaceful evening with some of my closest work girlfriends over at the Branford house for some wine, pizza and mandala coloring. Also, Daren turned 49! We celebrated at the new house with just the boys and a beautiful sunset and homemade surf & turf dinner. We also celebrated Thanksgiving in the new house with my father, my brother Frankie, his girlfriend Mary, my nephew Frankie, and Tommy & Gabby. 

And lastly – I finally started officially working part time. It’s not even been 2 weeks yet, but I feel the stress just melting off my body, mind & spirit. Time to fill in that empty space with my heart’s passions before the “little rocks” of life fill it up for me. I won’t let that happen though! 

  • Visiting with Thomas in Portland. Kofi was SO stinking happy to see him.
  • Election Day. 
  • Out to dinner with our hubbies but had to get a girl pic. Love you girls! 
  • Senior Cross Country Banquet. 
  • Picture I captured while taking an early Thanksgiving morning walk in Branford at the new house. It was cloudy & quiet, but an absolutely breathtaking morning.

December –

This month’s story is still being written. Kieran will turn 17 this month! We had some of our closest friends over to the new house last weekend for an intimate house warming party. Next month we hope to do a large open house and have everyone over. We adopted another domestic violence family this year. I love doing this and feel so blessed we have the ability to keep Santa alive for another family – giving their children hope and possibly a chance in life with confidence and the attitude of giving back. Most excitingly for me, it’s yoga teacher graduation next weekend. The class and experience shaped me into a different person this year. That is truly a story that is personal, and one that I may share one day – but in another more appropriate venue. 

Thank you to all who are a part of my life and our lives. I cherish each and every single one of you and the time we spend together. Not everyone I see all the time or often share a supper or girls night with was pictured  or mentioned here, but I cherish & love you all immensely. 

Love, Peace & Namaste.

Happy Holidays for our family to  you & yours.  

 

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New Vacation Home Renovations

Posted on by Esterina Anderson

Yesterday we celebrated Thanksgiving with family in our new house in Branford on the water. Today I took some final pictures now that we are pretty much done (except for the bonus room, not shown here). Below are some before & after pictures. I tried to get the same shot in. I did ok except for a few places. So in case anyone has been wondering what Daren & I have been up to for the past 8 weeks, this is just a little sample. thumb_IMG_8632_1024.jpgthumb_IMG_9451_1024.jpgFront of the house. The screen was taken out & LOTS & LOTS of weeds. What isn’t showing in the main before picture is all the weeds and grass that grew since April when this picture was first taken. I’m going to replace the cushion covers on the wicker chairs with blue material and make little striped pillows that match the material. We will also landscape the front with some flowers and bushes in the spring. Additionally we plan to paint the front step with grey concrete pain to match the roof and then get an outdoor carpet to run under the outside furniture.

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thumb_IMG_8633_1024.jpgthumb_IMG_9453_1024.jpgPicture here is the before and after from the back of the house. Since this picture was taken, Daren has replaced the screen on the right and painted the water meter in the back. We need to still fix the back ‘patio’ bricks where the ramp was and plant some pretty things in the back as well. A little patio set, some adirondack chairs overlooking the water and a fire pit will complete the backyard.

Next are some before and after pictures of the kitchen. The kitchen is complete. We don’t plan to do any more work in most of the inside of the house except add a few pieces of furniture that I had stored in my brother Frankie’s garage down on Long Island.

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IMG_9568.jpgAppliances were replaced. My brother Mario painted all the cabinetry white.

Next we move into the front living room. Mostly this was just a paint job & LOTs of cobweb, mouse dropping cleaning 🙂

 

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thumb_IMG_8640_1024.jpgthumb_IMG_9438_1024.jpgNext we move into the downstairs bedroom that is to the left to the stairs

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Front hallway after you walk in from the front door. thumb_IMG_8783_1024.jpgthumb_IMG_9439_1024.jpgThen walking into the “fireplace” room. It’s a great room with sliders on both sides – with water views on both sides.

 

thumb_IMG_8643_1024.jpgthumb_IMG_9558_1024.jpgthumb_IMG_8644_1024.jpgthumb_IMG_9561_1024.jpgNext we head to the upstairs to the 2nd bedroom

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thumb_IMG_8645_1024.jpgthumb_IMG_9552_1024.jpgLast but not least, the master bedroom

thumb_IMG_8647_1024.jpgthumb_IMG_9535_1024.jpgAnd the two bathrooms – both full baths

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And of course – the money shot!

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In essence – we had SOOOOO much fun painting, cleaning, pruning, replacing. Almost wish it wasn’t over. Almost… Soon we’ll be putting it up for weekly rentals, but not before blocking some time for ourselves. Thanks to my two great brothers that helped out so much & our super awesome realtor for helping us grab this great place. Love it! 🙂 ❤

 

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How to squash a motivated employee

Posted on by Esterina Anderson

imagesI’ve lost my mojo at work. I’ve known this for quite some time, but this morning it really hit me. I was standing in my closet with this really super fluffy, super large gray robe I bought last week on a whim while picking up some toiletries in Target. I was so warm and comfy. The weather is starting to change and getting dressed just seems to take more effort than ever this year. I was just staring at the clothes in my closet trying to decide what the most comfy thing would be to wear that would resemble anything even slightly professional. I didn’t want to get out of that robe. My beautiful clothes that I used to take such pride in just sat there staring back at me like little soldiers waiting for their turn. My clothes seemed so stifling now. They resemble everything I’m starting to detest. The commute. Discomfort. Work.

Work. As in a job work. I always loved work. I always loved getting up and getting dressed and going to work. Until now and present job excluded, I had a one job in 24 years I wasn’t crazy about. But I did like to work, even at that job. And I liked to work hard. Ever since my first job I always took serious pride in what I did. Whether it was scooping ice-cream, resolving a customer issue, painting a stanchion, or creating a managerial dashboard; I took pride! I wanted to make a difference. I wanted my customers (internal or external) to be surprised by getting more than what they expected. I wanted people to walk away with a smile on their face and even possibly even motivated to surprise and help others too. I loved chatting with people. I loved walking around and noticing things that could be done better and then just taking the initiative without being asked to do my best to make it better.

This is going to sound so cocky, but I was the most motivated person in real life that I knew until recently. It bothered me a little that others didn’t care so much, but it wasn’t such a big deal to me because I was getting enough enjoyment just doing my own thing and doing my best to such an extent, that what other people did or didn’t do truly didn’t matter to me that much. I am self-motivated and self-directed. When I finished high school and joined the military I wanted to get a college degree but couldn’t fit going to school in, especially after I had a new born. I bought some study guides and decided to CLEP credits since it was free to me as an active duty member. I earned all but 3 credits toward an associates degree that way. But why stop there? I took an online professional secretary’s course. Then I got my bachelor’s degree online. After that I took a few years off, taught myself to properly type, use a computer, and become skilled in the Microsoft Office Suite. When that became natural I went back to school and got an MBA. Not sitting on the couch and watching TV to read hundreds of business articles and write peer-reviewed researched papers takes a lot of drive. I didn’t think so at the time, but I don’t know if I’d have it in me anymore. That took some serious motivation. I always cared about the work I did too and I’ve spent the last 14+ years at the VA hospital doing as much as I could administration wise using the skills I learned on my own with my own money to make my organization as awesome as it possibly could be. Yes, there were frustrating times I complained and got annoyed, but it never really stopped me more than a day or two at the very most from dusting myself off and picking right back up where I left off.

I didn’t want to rule the world either. I was never interested in senior leadership or becoming a Director, Associate Director, Department manager or anything to the like. I just wanted to do the best job I could from whatever seat I was at. My family life and work-life balance was actually equally if not slightly more important to me. I didn’t want to have to travel, because I didn’t want to miss story time at night with the kids, or one of their plays, or the ability to make a home cooked meal at night. As they got older I worried about who they might have over and just preferred to be home in my house, and in my bed with my kids close by. Even though I did do extra work at home and check my emails, I never wanted to be in a position where it was a necessity. I liked that I didn’t have to and only did so when I was so excited about something it was difficult to stop working on it. I liked that it was my choice. I always put way more into my job than I got back. I worked far more hours than I was paid for.

I’ve spent the last 22 years working for the federal government. 4 years active duty, 4 years reserve, and 14 years as a public service employee. I have 22 years of outstanding performance reviews at the highest possible rating every single marking period. 2 years ago I took the chance of taking a job that I knew little about. I was getting a little bored in my previous job because I stopped growing and thought I would be able to learn some new skills and help my organization with the skills I already have. It was a promotion on paper but not with my salary. I did not choose money, I chose growth. It was a new position that did not exist before.

When I started the job I saw so much potential. There were so many directions to go in I knew I had to deliberately choose a path and branch out from there. I never had a supervisor or anyone as a matter of fact to even sit down with me to discuss direction, so I created direction for myself and my small staff of 3. I had an awesome motivated little group. I didn’t do anything on my own, I floated every idea by our senior leadership team and our hospital director. I got the green light on everything I suggested. And I broke up the work amongst my little group so we call could grow and learn and cover one another.

Well, after a little over a year I was starting to burn out both personally and professionally. Since I moved in with my husband and we blended our families almost 6 years ago, my personal life got more and more complicated and exhausting. Professionally I started to see the writing on the wall that although senior leadership verbally supported the work I floated by, they didn’t really have any idea what I meant, had no time or inclination to digest anything, and truly didn’t seem to care. So when push came to shove and we got push back from the hospital employees; they did not support me, my staff or the policies they signed off on that I’d put in place. I felt like stopped growing. I felt like I started managing non-sense and no one was willing to sit down with me who had any power to discuss the barriers I faced to moving anything forward that was worthwhile.

For the first time in my life I couldn’t stand driving to work. It started to actually feel nefarious to wake up from not enough sleep, get dressed in uncomfortable clothing, leave my house in a rush and go sit at a nice desk with a window only to be accomplishing very little if not anything at all. I am getting older. I have less energy and a crazier life with 4 teenagers and many things to deal with outside of work; both physically and emotionally. We could live with the lessened income and improve the quality of our home and our lives if I didn’t work full time. After 22 years I took the crazy chance of asking if I might be able to work part-time. I asked about this possibility on May 11th this year in an email to my acting supervisor with the hospital director copied. The immediate response the next day was absolutely, we would do anything to keep you here in your current job; you’ve been outstanding. I was flattered. I didn’t know what answer I expected, but I wasn’t too surprised that someone thought I was someone worth keeping around.

Well… days, weeks, months elapsed. I didn’t have a real supervisor because mine was promoted and the job was empty. Human Resources was going through personnel changes and no one was really in charge. I got the run around, many promises and supposed final answers with a question mark at the end. It was stressful. I have been anxious the entire summer and now well into fall about how this would turn out. In the meanwhile I started working only 3 days a week and kept my job duties up. As suspected I was able to handle my full time job on a part-time basis.

To make a very long story short, I still don’t have an answer. The only thing I know is that I’ve had several assurances made to me if I do this, that or the other thing we can work something specific out. Each time I’ve delivered on my end but someone at the end of the chain disapproves the request. I would have been willing to leave back in May or consider staying on full time if I was told honestly upfront that part-time wouldn’t be possible. I would have looked for other jobs. I’m now completely unmotivated and disenchanted. I have sparks of motivation that inspire me to take incredible pride in what I’ve started, but that motivation is almost always shot down immediately by another short changed agreement that will no longer be explored.

Not too long ago at work I was super energetic, super motivated, & super duper naïve. I saw many people that had been here a long time and couldn’t understand why they were so bitter or why they seemed to have given up. They would talk about how we’ve already been there, done that. They were over it, riding it out until their retirement. I was completely unable to digest how someone could get to that point. I read about motivating people in college, through articles I had to read for conferences and materials that were sent as part of professional groups and mail serves I belong to. I felt I knew how to motivate the people I worked with, but there were these others that wouldn’t budge. As part of many other things I’ve read I can’t help but think about what I’ve learned intelligently about disengaged employees and the cost to the workplace. So much of it has to do with a good leader. It sounds like an ethereal concept because it’s not exactly tangible, but it’s the key to running a good organization.

I studied business and management and had to take many, many classes about supervision, change management, organizational development and leadership. I’ve read about the traits of good leaders. It seems obvious to me about what kind of people should be in charge of what kinds of things. However that is not the case in my organization at least. I don’t know much about how the outside or corporate world runs, but it’s apparent that the right fit was not made if you look around for a New York second and see many managers and supervisors floundering because they’ve never been trained, didn’t really want the position, hate confronting people with anything negative or are just unorganized and lack administration skills. Or feel like they have no choice about anything because they have a lousy leader that will not let them made a single decision so they themselves are unmotivated and have given up.

My car, my clothes, my office with the personal mementos I’ve accumulated over the years from all the people I’ve worked with who touched my life…unknown none of it means anything if I’m not doing anything useful and I’m sitting in meetings and at my desk like an automaton ornament as a participant in creating the same disorganized chaos for years on end. Amongst a bunch of other people who either don’t care or are feeling equally if not more disgusted.

As with anything the higher and higher up you go in an organization, the more and more important it is to have the right fit in the right jobs. I’m not a good fit there. I need out for my mental health and sanity. I would like an answer about what direction I’m going in and what my schedule will be. I’ve not received an adequate explanation about why my very reasonable request was denied. I’m disgruntled. I’m stressed. I no longer like going to work. I’d rather stay home in my bathrobe and not pretend I’m making any kind of difference in the world.

How to squash a motivated employee?

  • Ask them to do as you say, not as you do.
  • Don’t consider their track record when considering a reasonable request.
  • Don’t talk to them about expectations.
  • Give them a super generic performance plan with goals they’ve accomplished several years ago.
  • Don’t support them in the things you approved them to move forward with, in fact throw up your hands in confusion and reverse past decisions.
  • Never follow-up on what you asked from them, and for the few who do go out and do what you asked; don’t be available or act like you care.

Take all you can from them. Give them nothing in return.

 

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On the passage of time

Posted on by Esterina Anderson

 

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It still hurts after 10 years. The same exact pain at times. The same heart wrenching squeeze that comes in waves over and over while I’m experiencing grief. It actually feels a little like my heart is being rung out. The first time I felt this so strongly was around this time of year 11 years ago when my mom had first been diagnosed with lung cancer. She died 10 years and 2 months ago. She was only 49. October 25th would have been her 60th birthday. My grandmother who I was even more close with than my mother passed away a mere 11 months later. Also from lung cancer. She would have been 89 this year on Nov 21. I miss them. Tonight I’m especially missing them.

 

Them. Because they passed away so close together we often refer to them as “them”. I don’t think about this often, but tonight I’m mourning and it’s on my mind. I was crying and having a difficult time breathing in bed, so I got up and decided to pour it out on paper (well figuratively… as it’s with a keyboard and screen really).

 

People who’ve lost others who they were close to would understand the how strong feelings of grief can capture you by surprise at times, and release strong emotions throughout your body. Emotions that are so strong, there are moments you may wonder how you might ever not feel seized by sorrow again. They may also understand the comfort you might feel when you desperately need the departed and you can actually feel their presence with you. When I’m inconsolable I feel them. Both of them. Always together and always comforting. I don’t know if it’s my memories, lingering energies or anything not of the world we understand; but I’m really certain something about them helps me get through the times I need them.

 

Tonight I was thinking about the two of them and how we group them together. I was thinking particularly about who the “we” are who groups my mother and grandmother together. It really is just a handful of other people in the world. My two brothers and my aunt come to mind first. I talk to them the most about mom and grandma. Anytime I want to reminisce or tell someone how I had a dream about one or both of them, or that I was thinking about them and got upset; my brothers and aunt are there and completely understand.

 

The next person who comes to my mind is my ex-husband John. He was in my life and in my family when we were both really young and my parents were still married. He was just as much a part of my family and laughed with us, and could understand the irony and hilarity of their relationships. Particularly the relationship between my mother and grandmother. They were kind of opposite. They kind of annoyed each other and complained about one another even though we all knew they truly loved each other. I remember one night soon after my grandmother passed while hysterically crying, John cracked a joke that my mother must have made the snide remark “So soon?” when seeing my grandmother on the other side. I immediately stopped crying and started laughing. I laugh about it until today. It’s how they were here and just what my mother would have said. I don’t really talk to John very much anymore, but I do know that if I ever picked up the phone and needed to talk about them, he’d be there and laugh about it all. It would help me to feel better.

 

The following person who I know would naturally group them together is my father. My father is in his own world most of the time, but also has his moments of missing them. My folks were divorced and both remarried when my mom passed, but my father will often talk about her fondly and replay some highlights he remembers as a young man living and hanging out with my grandmother. I can likely count on him to pick up the phone and talk, but he could turn on a flash and remember something he didn’t like, with the potential of the conversation heading to a place I’m not interested in going.

 

The only other person in this world I imagine would lump them together is my Uncle Jack. He is my aunt Fran and my mom’s brother. We don’t communicate often and are not close. My own children would probably be right behind my uncle, but they knew very little of my mother because she lived in Florida when they were of an age of remembering anything. They do remember my grandmother very well and still laugh about her and her sayings. But they wouldn’t understood the relationship these two women played in our family and with one another. They were only 8 and 10 when my grandmother passed.

 

Tonight I was thinking about how few people on this earth knew them that I know and could understand the grief from losing these two particular individuals in such a close time span. There aren’t many, and fewer that I could count on. This got me thinking about the passage of time. Thomas is already a sophomore. My heart is also broken because he was supposed to come home this weekend for his Columbus Day break. He asked for the weekend off from his job in Maine, but he ended up on the work schedule. He told me Tuesday night after I had prepared his room and stocked up on his favorite foods. I was really excited to see him and super disappointed that he won’t be home. He tried to find someone to cover for him and until today I thought there still might be a chance. But no luck. I know I should feel happy that he is healthy and sound and a good kid overall, but I’m still sad that I won’t get to see him.

 

I thought about how this is Gabby’s last year of high school and next year I won’t see her everyday either. Then they will have boyfriends and girlfriends, then perhaps spouses and in-laws. That is great, except they will visit with these folks who very likely will not live anywhere in the vicinity of where I am living and be spending many holidays with their friends and significant other’s families. Until this point in my life I had them for all the holidays and special occasions. I made a little deal out of every holiday – even the small ones like Valentines Day, Saint Patrick’s Day, and especially Halloween. I LOVE the fall and usually bake fall goodies, make crockpot meals, decorate, pumpkin pick, etc… but soon there will be no one around to do these things for. Wow. It just really hit me tonight. I always knew this intellectually and talked about it and even felt sad about it. However, tonight I feel it deeply. My grandmother used to try to explain this to me and tell me to relax and enjoy my young family, but I didn’t quite get it. I do now. I likely will understand even more deeply as time marches on.

 

If we only had the wisdom of some of this deep knowledge earlier on. We should be listening to the older generation. The older generations try to tell the younger ones, but the lack of experience prevents them from understanding. They think they understand. I thought I did. I think I understand now, but ask me again in 20 years and I might say, boy I really really get it now. We all grow older. Our kids move on. People we are close with leave our lives for various reasons. The things we take for granted will not always be around. The world is impermanent and ever changing. Why do we think we can hold onto anything?

 

The real wisdom is when we understand that change is inevitable and sadness has just as much of a role as happiness. And the real serenity is when we can come to peace with this knowledge and just enjoy the ride on this big ol’ blue ball that is careening through space, spinning us around and around every day while whipping our line of sight past the moon and sun.

 

Time gave me more space in between episodes of grief, but it didn’t erase the grief. Time gave me older children but I don’t love them any less nor can I come to terms with their leaving the nest any easier. Time gave me more wisdom, but after some periods it might have been useful to understand it. Time put ten years of miles of space from where the earth was in the universe when my mom got sick. Time changed many many things from that point, and time will only change many more in the days to come.

 

Maybe this is all a little too deep for some. I’m feeling a little deep. I’m sad that the main child rearing years will soon be behind me. And all in all I just really miss my mom and grandma right now. To give myself a good laugh so I can get to sleep tonight I’ll purposely recall John’s remark of “So soon?”.

 

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Peace.

 

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On New Pathways

Posted on by Esterina Anderson

 

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I don’t know if it’s because I turned 40 this year. Or because I started yoga teacher training. Or because I started taking Lexapro. Or a combination of those and other things, but I’m a person going through a transition. I’m sort of on a new path.

One of the many new things in my life that I’ve been taking advantage of is the new trail that was recently built between Jarvis and West Main Street in Cheshire. It’s not officially connected to Southington yet, but it’s walk able and no one tells you to get off. It’s not connected to Cornwall Street either, which would make it possible to not get off the trail all the way from Southington to New Haven, but the small road that connects West Main and Cornwall (Willow) is safe and short enough that it’s no problem at all to do the whole route without getting too far off the path.

It’s a new pathway. I ran on it for the first time about a month & a half ago. It was the same day I put on a Fitbit. Daren got one at the conference I joined him at in Vancouver. He had it on his dresser for a few weeks until I asked him if he was going to use it. He said no and that it would be ok if I did. I put it on that morning and ran the 1.25 miles up to the new trail. I didn’t know what I would soon be embarking on. As soon as I stepped off my usual route from Lancaster onto Jarvis, I felt a little scared and excited. I’d never really been off my usual path (A.K.A. rut), and the excitement of being on new territory without a car just felt sort of freeing. I turned the corner and really didn’t know how long it would take me to get to the trail. I knew it by car, but being on foot was so much different. It turned out to not be that far at my jogging pace. I looked down at Map MyRun on my iPhone and saw that I had already run 1.25 miles when I hit the entrance of the trail. It was kind of exciting to see it live in person. I mean I drove past it every day, but to be standing in front of it, in the bright morning sunlight; it felt a bit magical. I stopped to take a picture of the new sign. I thought when I left that morning I might start walking once I got to the trail; but I wasn’t tired just yet, and felt the strong desire to keep running.

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Where the new portion of the trail starts on Jarvis

The path is flat compared to the hills in my neighborhood that I’m accustomed to. At times those hills kick my butt and I need to stop and walk; and other times I can just run on the balls of my feet and lift my legs little higher to somehow to run seamlessly up them. The flatness felt novel and good. It felt like I could run forever.

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Cheshire’s new prom pose spot?

I ran a little further into the trail and saw the Prom? sign that I’m now very familiar with graffitied into the mountain. Where did that come from? Is it the Cheshire prom pose place? Did some romantic high school boy do that for a girl while the trail was being built? Who knows… but it’s kind of nice. It is right across from a bench. I stopped to take another picture. I felt the warm morning sunlight on my skin and just wanted to soak it in. I ran further while breathing slow. It’s an old trick that also sometimes works for me and other times does not. This particular day it worked. The slow breathing, warm sun and shadowy trees created the perfect jogging conditions for me. I continued down this new path not really having an idea of how far I’d run or how far it even was until West Main Street. I just knew I wanted to keep going. Running waters, green muck, many benches, beautiful trees… It was all breath taking. I felt so alive. And before long when I heard the sound of cars in the near distance I knew I was getting close to the end; and almost without warning – there it was. I had to stop and just look at the familiar site of West Main Street. I had never seen it from the side of the road and vulnerably out in person without the armor of a car. A person without that protection is just exposed to the elements; but at the same time, so close to them. I could smell the greenery, touch nature, feel the heat, smell that green muck. It was beautiful. I took a picture at West Main and turned around, now having a baseline of how long it might take to get home.

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Where the new trail starts on West Main right next to the Lumber Factory

Again, I thought I’d get tired and walk. To my surprise on the flatness of the path I never did get too tired to keep running. I took many more pictures and reveled in how it felt to be outside in a new territory. I loved it. When I got back to Jarvis and had to run up the hill, I continued to push myself just up to the next mailbox before I decided I would walk. Then it was going to be the next mailbox, then the next one… and before I knew it I was at the top of the hill and didn’t have to stop! As soon as I rounded the corner onto Lancaster, I was back to my very familiar territory. I felt a little new. I had left the familiar path for a new one and was able to come back with new eyes. I ran down Brigadoon and turned onto Dundee when my Fitbit buzzed around my wrist. I knew I hit 10,000 steps already for the day. I also knew from my Map MyRun experience that is about 5 miles. At that point I knew my round trip would be about 5 1/2 miles. I got home to check and it had been 5.55. I was so excited. I had never run that far in my life. It wasn’t that hard! And it was so much fun.

Over the past few weeks I went out onto the new trail as much as I could. I took Koji for a walk 2 days after my first venture out the other way toward Southington. That part isn’t officially opened yet, but Daren had run on it a few times and assured me that many others were using it. It wasn’t quite as finished, but it was just as paved and pretty. I started to combine the new route with my old one to get up to 9 miles without running anywhere dangerous.

One Sunday after yoga training last month, I don’t know what inspired me; but I got on my bike and decided to bike to and then down the path alone. I hadn’t biked alone since I was a teenager heading to a friend’s house. Biking was equally riveting and exciting. The cool thing is that I was able to move so much faster. I was at the path in no time, and then at the end of the trail at West Main before I could imagine. I didn’t want to just turn around and go home so quickly, so I decided to actually go off the path and see if I could find my way to the entrance that is on Cornwall Avenue where it connects to New Haven on my own… without a map app (who could imagine such a thing?). It was easier than I thought it even might be. I knew that a street parallel to Mountain and Route 10 must eventually hit Cornwall. And it did, like fast! Before long, I was on the very familiar trail from Cornwall to Higgins. Once I got on it, it felt so much older, but older in a good way. It had history and spirit that I could just feel in the air. It was different from the newness of the portion that connects Jarvis to West Main. The trees were more grown in, the road a little more broken in, and nature just in fuller bloom; as if the habitat was more comfortable with it’s surroundings. I biked all the way down to Brooksvale Park in Hamden that day, crossing many familiar roads that Daren and I biked over the years. I stopped at the park and checked Map MyRun. I had only gone 6.7 miles but it was so far from my house. I realized how this path could get me to where I’d like to in an alternative way sans a motor vehichle. It felt so good to do this on my own too, without the comfort of another human and without having to rely on technology to find my way around. I felt so independent. My round trip that day was 13.4 miles. Two weeks ago I actually biked 29 alone and all on the trail.

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This new path has opened up my world in so many ways. It helped me to realize how strong I am, either on foot or on the bike. It’s given me the power to go places without a car, which is something I have been aching to do for quite some time. It’s connected my part of town to other parts of Cheshire and neighboring towns so much more quickly. It’s connected me to nature. It’s connected me to myself.

While biking on the path a few days ago while coming back from a yoga class in Southington; I couldn’t help but marvel at the coincidence of this new path with so many new changes in my life, and compare it to the same process of creating new neural pathways in your brain. On the Cheshire-Southington portion that is still being worked on, the workers had their trucks out and were building the brick areas around the concrete stanchions that stop cars from being able to get onto the path. I have been watching this portion of the path being built and change day by day. Like me. I’m changing day by day, just a little at a time. I’m building new neural pathways. Each day, one change at a time I’m creating new routes, improving them and making them a little deeper so they eventually will be the automatic default reaction instead of the old patterns and ruts. Just like the path.

As above, so below. Pathways are pretty amazing, whether in our minds or in the physical realm. I couldn’t help but think about history and when the Romans started building roads. It opened people’s worlds. It promoted trade. Suddenly there was less constraint and more possibilities. Roads, highways and paths do get old though. Sometimes either the path wears out or the place it leads to is not a place you want to go any longer. It happens in our brains too. It’s a lot of work to create a new route to somewhere else. It’s often scary too, because there are so many unknowns both in the construction of it and the destination (especially if you aren’t familiar with the destination). Who wants to do that work when every inch is unknown and the default old route just feels so darned comfortable and familiar? It’s work, whether mental or physical. It’s scary and painful. There does need to be some level of destruction to create something new and beautiful. But once you step out of that rut and into the unknown, it’s exciting too. It feels a little dangerous and your level of alertness is also much higher. But that level of alertness also helps you to stop and appreciate what is around in a way that you don’t normally see your world because that world feels familiar and safe, so we get lost in our thoughts and don’t even pay attention to what is around us.

When you do revisit old familiar ways, thoughts, patterns, or pathways after being on a new one; there is often a level of appreciation and/or awareness of what is no longer serving you and what needs to be let go. A combination of what is good from the old and an exploration of the new is what creates new possibilities and the ability for us to grow individually in our minds, in our lives, physically to a new place with a better way to get to a possibly better destination; or as a society just as the Romans started.

New pathways both mentally and physically makes life more exciting and helps us to grow by changing patterns in our brains so we can experience life in a better way. That sounds good to me! Thank you Cheshire rails to trails projects. It’s just one of many physical things that is changing in my physical and mental world these days and I want to honor it by sharing it’s beauty with the world. Love, Peace & Namaste.

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On a Disjointed Life

Posted on by Esterina Anderson

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This blog is mostly in response to one my husband Daren wrote a few weeks back https://darenamd.wordpress.com/2016/07/23/on-the-value-of-rituals/

We did chat that day in the coffee shop, and I’ve been thinking about this for a few weeks now. One of the reasons rituals are so awesome is because it traces something back to it’s roots and honors something in it’s entirety. Well, there is nothing alone in its entirety. Anyone who is Facebook friends with me (IF they paid any attention to my page) would know that for the past 7+ years the main quote sitting on my profile is: When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe. – John Muir

I love that quote. I’ve used it in many conversations and presentations in a variety of formats. We can trace everything almost continuously including ourselves back to the stars. We and everything around us is made of star stuff (thank you kindly Carl Sagan for coining that term in my head forever). If we do actually think about this & how we are all nothing but star stuff; it’s easy to see nothing at all or just outright chaos. But if we ignore everything else and only focus on one piece of the universal pie we miss understanding and appreciating the beauty of the tie in. And feel very much alone.

Our human brains need to draw natural lines to understand something so it’s not all chaos or nothing at all. We also need to stop those lines in a place that we as humans can understand something and make sense of it. What I would argue is happening in the world today is that those lines we draw around something to make sense of it are becoming smaller and smaller.

Take for instance a shoemaker 150 years ago. He had a little shop in the heart of a town. People who lived in that town acquired their shoes there. The shoemaker knew his customers well. Everyone had a role in the town’s functioning and everyone supported everyone else to keep that town running through trade, bartering or monetary exchange. They were all they had and likely felt a sense of community and oneness. Mr. Shoemaker made the shoes from start to finish. He knew where the material came from, how they were put together. He literally created every stitch and hammered every sole. When he walked through town and saw others, he saw his creations on their feet. He felt connected to the product he made and the people who benefited from it. He appreciated the art of his work, which helped him to inherently understand and appreciate the products and services of his fellow townsfolk. Making shoes was a ritual and the universal lines were drawn around the whole shoe and the tie into the community and other humans.

At some point in history, machines and the assembly line were developed and broke up shoe making and nearly every other previous manual whole process that we could as humans possibly get our hands on. The universal lines broke down even smaller. Instead of making shoes; one stood on a line and mechanically made just a sole, or hammered in the same piece of stinking shoe over and over. The pride and ritual of the shoe in it’s entirely was lost. It became harder to connect with the final product. Supply chains were built up and one would no longer see the product they created on the feet of habitants of their town. In fact today, no one really knows any longer where things were created or how they were put together. People started working outside of their towns and traveling alone to jobs on long commutes to do things they don’t feel a part of. While our world is becoming more and more connected, humans are becoming more and more disjointed from the origin of their being; and their own worlds are becoming smaller and smaller.

I love Daren’s example of the record player. It was a ritual to play a song or album. The anticipation of hearing a song would build up as you went through the process of getting all set up. Manually making that happen while we wished it were faster felt very satisfying. Now that I have every song I have ever heard or could want to hear in my life at my fingertips, I just don’t enjoy music like I used to. Daren’s example of the coffee making process is simply beautiful. Making a cup of coffee in the morning was a means to true enjoyment. Manual effort was put in. The waiting made it all the more special. Do we really enjoy the k-cup, drive through, or 7/11 versions of coffee in disposable containers as much? As we gulp them down without thought? …several times a day for most.

Our on the go life style has started to suck the pleasure out of life. We aren’t connected to the things we do, the food we put into our body, or the people we run into during the day. We see ourselves as separate, and not part of the whole. Unless you own your own business, most of us who work have little to no connection to the mission of our jobs. We feel like a part in a machine with no connection to the outcome or even our own humanness. I march through the VA facility where I work and see the patients hobbling down the main corridor as road blocks to the next place I’m heading and already late to. Every so often when the bathroom on my floor is being cleaned and I need to walk down to the floor below, I see patients in the waiting room and checking in. It’s only then I remember that I even work in a hospital. That is sad and a symptom of something gone terribly, terribly wrong.

I wasn’t around back in the shoemaker days, but based on my experience with record players (and cassettes and CDs), and when my mom ground the beans at the end of the line at A&P and then percolated the coffee; I much more enjoyed the older, more manual versions of these and many, many other products and services. We don’t have time to do things in a way that are truly enjoyable any longer. How uncool is that? Why are we trying to do more and more faster and faster? It necessitates a quicker, faster, and smaller means to an end. It’s harder to appreciate the whole when you and everything you take part of is such a small cog in a larger wheel. What’s the rush? What are we accomplishing? Are we happier as a human race? I’m not. Am I alone in this feeling? Even if I am, I want to step out & slow down. I want to know the bigger whole. I’m a bit tired of the disjointed feeling of my being. I miss manual processes and rituals. I want off the treadmill. Anyone care to join me?

 

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Running 

Posted on by Esterina Anderson

Monday, July 18, 2016 around 8:15pm

Daren and I are on a small little puddle jumper plane to Toronto enroute to Vancouver for the week for a conference of his. We have been rushing all afternoon to make this flight. Once we arrived at the gate it was delayed. We grabbed a quick bite of some apps and an IPA only to learn the plane was leaving on time somehow. We rushed back to the gate and jumped on the plane. I was stressing the whole drive home from work today realizing how poorly my organization treats its employees. I don’t know if I want to work for an organization like that any longer. As soon as we sat down in our seats I was incredibly thirsty and had severe indigestion from scarfing down unhealthy food and rushing around. Then as soon as the plane took off and my body started to vibrate, it was like a wave of emotions were free to course through my body. I started to sob uncontrollably below the sound of the loud engines and had my first panic attack in the last 5 weeks. Daren held me tight and stroked my hair asking me to talk to him. I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t sure what was wrong. Finally he asked if it was those jokers at work and I realized it was. My job really got to me today. Upon that realization I broke down even more, now aware of what it was. The release of pent up emotions was a welcome relief to the burden of stress that was building up over the past week. Daren encouraged me to think about leaving my job again. And then he pointed out the beautiful sunset that we were flying right into at the moment. Literally right now I am flying off into the sunset. Is it time for a change?

Wednesday, July, 20, 2016 8:33am

Just taking a break after a 3 mile run on a beautiful pedestrian pathway in Vancouver, BC. What a beautiful morning. The temperature is only 62 degrees. I’m sitting on the water in Stanley park. I’m so lucky to be alive and have this opportunity to explore a new city and travel. As I was running I was thinking about the Gwen Stefani song “Running”. It’s playing in my mind now. One day back in April on the way home from work, I heard this song for the first time in years, and for some reason it made me cry. I thought about Daren and how since the moment I met him we have been literally running. The pace of my life picked up 10 fold and not all for good reason or measure. My stress started to grow then. And it accumulated until I literally crashed and fell down after 6 years now. Blending a family is not easy. We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into and it has both broken and built us. We are stronger than ever has as individuals and a couple but the path was an ugly and very difficult one. I wish someone would have told me how difficult it was going to be and assisted us through the changes we were inevitably going to go through. It’s really time to stop running. Can I possibly help other new divorcees navigate a new marriage? What does the future hold for me?

As I was jogging this morning I was also thinking about the term way finder. It popped into my mind yesterday when Daren and I were walking around the city talking about my job and other potential opportunities to explore. I have been feeling as if I’m on the cusp of something new for a few months now. I’m in no rush to make hard and fast decisions about what new might be because I’m enjoying this journey of self discovery so much. The one decision that was clear to me yesterday however was that I need to stay at my job for now and continue to fight for an alternative work schedule. Not just for myself, but for others who will need this after me in the days to come.

I remember one summer when I was a preteen and my aunt Fran and grandmother took my brothers, cousins and I to Seaside Heights on the Jersey shore. During sunset walking toward the one upside down roller coaster on the beach my cousin Camille and I were determined to ride, we passed one of those palm reader booths on the boardwalk. My cousin pointed it out as we walked a little closer and was talking about what she knew about palms. The palm reader herself was standing at the door. As my cousin was talking, the lady looked right at me and through me. She said “Your eyes… You are an Indigo child”. I had no idea or care what that meant and hadn’t thought about it much that day or until a few years ago. In 2012 I started to spiritually awaken. It’s a whole experience and story in and of itself, but I did learn in the metaphysical sense that an Indigo child is a way finder and someone who fights for what they believe in if it will better society. I don’t want in any way to label myself or be anything, but I do identify with seeing past the surface and having a feeling about what is incredibly the right thing to do. I want to go the mat for the alternative work schedule option that employees have the right to be considered for. And I want this experience to propel me to perhaps take charge of my life in other ways and tap into my talents and deep rooted things that I love.

When I was 18 and was a week away from graduating boot camp, I once again found myself on the Jersey shore, this time at Wildwood. My company (X-ray 144) was out on a day of liberty in our uniforms enjoying the boardwalk in late September 1994. I was walking again on the boardwalk with my closest shipmate from boot camp. Her name was Cindy and we just met a few weeks before in MEPS on 8/8/94. We ended up getting stationed with on the USCGC Boutwell and driving across the country together. That late September day Cindy convinced me we should see a Palm reader. We separately went in and had our palms read. I walked out thinking none of what the gypsy predicted would be possible. She said I would be getting married soon to someone I hadn’t met yet. I would have two marriages in my life and I would successfully own my own business. I had a boyfriend in high school at the time I had no intention of breaking up with anytime soon. I did not want to ever experience a divorce and I certainly didn’t want my own business. I have watched my parents and grandmother struggle with their own businesses and never having health insurance or vacation days and I didn’t want that. It was why I joined the military. But… A few weeks later I met my first husband. We married when I was 19 and had two children within the next few years.

A few years down the road In my early 20s, I was back in Long Island visiting my family and my mother had somehow become involved with an eccentric group of individuals and kept asking me to go get my palm read. I didn’t go, but she somehow talked my brother Frankie into going while I was still visiting. Frankie came back and told me the women mentioned me a lot during his palm reading. Me?? How odd. She asked if he had a sister and talked about how I thought I was above other people and fight for things. I was rather insulted by this woman who never even laid eyes on me. He also threw in there that she said I would have my own business. Even stranger. Frankie seemed equally insulted. He said he told her clearly you don’t know my sister. She is one of the most humble people I know and she hates the idea of owning a business, even though he himself has encouraged me to think about such a thing (what we were taught as kids). Funny… I never thought myself to be someone who would grow a backbone and think it’s ok to be different to fight for what I believe in and not sit back quietly with the others. I’m not afraid to put my life or job or anything on the line to do the right thing. And I did end up in a second marriage. So far these crazy gypsy predictions have been spot on. What’s next?

A way finder? A business owner? Tapping into my loves and talents. The world and possibilities are endless. I did end up in a second marriage. With an awesome partner that fought right through the hard times with me, and is just as open as I am about trying new things and taking risks for something you are passionate about. To do that and explore it I personally need to slow down and enjoy this most amazing journey and gift of life. I’ll continue to run for exercise and keep the old ticker in shape, but no more in my life. Thank you panic attacks for being my warning signal about what I can handle and helping me to stop and literally see the gorgeous sunset I’m flowing right into as my life is changing in the most beautiful ways.

So many people have been a part of my life for a reason and I’m thankful for every single one of them. These days I’m the most thankful for my husband. For with him I am most inspired and feel free and loved and able to get through this crazy fun amazing world.

Slower is better. Time is really our enemy. Time and money, separation, being on the run…. (Thanks Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon!) I could write a whole book about the meaning of that album, maybe some other day. For now I need to run back 3 miles to the hotel and shower to enjoy my super slow in no rush to get anywhere day, while I continue my journey of contemplating how to be my best self in the world using what I have been given by this beautiful and expansive universe. Namaste.

No Doubt lyrics (because they inspired me to stop, sit on a bench and write this morning while on a long jog)

Run, running all the time

Running to the future

With you right by my side

 

Me, I’m the one you chose

Out of all the people

You wanted me the most

And I’m so sorry that I’ve fallen

Help me up, let’s keep on running

Don’t let me fall out of love



Running, running, as fast as we can

Do you think we’ll make it?

(Do you think we’ll make it?)

We’re running, keep holding my hand

So we don’t get separated

 

Be, be the one I need

Be the one I trust most

Don’t stop inspiring me

 

Sometimes it’s hard to keep on running

We work so much to keep it going

Don’t make me want to give up

 

Running, running as fast as we can

I really hope we make it

(Do you think we’ll make it?)

We’re running, keep holding my hand

So we don’t get separated


The view I’m seeing as I write this while sitting on a dedicated bench. Thank you Jean Mary Kendall Eligh and your family. I have enjoyed a piece of your memory today. ☮

 

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On being a girl (just my opinion)

Posted on by Esterina Anderson

Just writing that subject line, the song “I Love Being a Girl” suddenly pops in my head. I have an urge to look up the words, but I am currently on a plane as I type this & without Internet connection. I remember the song from when I was a little girl in dancing school. I danced from the ages of 2-12 for a dance school in Brooklyn called Miss Helen’s. She was an older teacher and we had a real piano player (no pre made music). Miss Helen was a woman of the 1930’s and 1940’s. A time when ladies were really ladies; even when they had to go to work. And men sported timeless attire. Hats, overcoats, and shiny shoes. All the music we ever performed at Miss Helen’s was from that time period. Inevitably every year one class did a tap number to “I love being a girl”. It was usually a younger class with sweet little girls, stamping their feet and learning the early lessons of dance to move on the beat and stay in line with the other girls using peripheral vision.

I have mixed feelings about being a female. A curse and a blessing. From the time I can remember I was encouraged to embrace my femininity. My mother and grandmother insisted I dance. My grandmother was always buying me frilly dresses and pretty overcoats. “Sit like a lady”, “ladies don’t say that or laugh like that, “just be careful, you don’t want to get your pretty dress all dirty”. I would look longingly at my brothers who could hunch over, sit however they pleased and run off to play without worrying about soiling their clothes. I always felt ridiculous with poofed up itchy dresses and ribbons or curls in my hair. My mother was always trying something new with my hair. I had to sleep with curlers many nights, or some kind of Chinese ribbons that my hair never took to. I absolutely HATED my dance recitals and putting on make-up. I felt like a clown. I wanted to be in the audience with shorts, sneakers and air conditioning like my brothers and cousins who were forced to come sit and watch this yearly grand performance.

When I became a teenager and started buying my own clothes, I put myself in comfortable things that normal teenagers wore. I started wearing make up in my early teens and poofing my bangs with Aqua Net hairspray like most girls did in the late 80s, early 90s. I paid little mind to jewelry or nails or shoes or anything super girly. I joined the Coast Guard and fit in well, not having to worry about my clothes each day and being able to throw back my hair in a bun under a hat quickly. I loved it.

I guess what got me excited about being a girl was the opposite of being in a uniform. The rare times I was able to get in civilian clothes and literally let down my then fairly long brown hair, I felt so… feminine! The guys I worked with every day did a double take. I felt like a new person. It was kind of cool to literally transform. Over the next few years once I became a civilian I discovered all sorts of fun things. Hair different ways, different kinds of earrings and bracelets. Flat shoes, heels, boots, leggings, colored panty hose. Different shades of make up and nail polish. Hair up or down, curly or straight. Dresses, skirts, pants, capris, tight shirts, loose flowy ones… Oh the possibilities were endless. Thanks to my mom in my formative years, I knew how to do my hair in different styles and not be bothered by the discomforts of pinchy shoes, clothes and tights. My grandmother immediately noticed my transformation. She was a woman of class. She had timeless beauty and style. She had a wardrobe many a woman would envy with years worth of clothing, shoes, handbags, belts, scarves and luggage. She always bought me beautiful things over the years; things me and my parents thought were way to expensive and sexy. Underwear, lingerie, bathing suits, shoes that I couldn’t even walk in. When I started to realize how much fun these things were, my grandmother was so excited for me. We were always close, but we really bonded at this time in my life over the joys of being a woman. She had and shared clothes she outgrew by popular designers before they were even popular. I was finally listening when she talked about fashion and the stitching on our bags. I got a little more into housewares. She loved to set a beautiful table and had given me many China sets, glasses for all occasions, napkins, table clothes, and cutlery. Gosh it is fun to be a girl. Poor men with so few options.

I never appreciated these things before then. My mom loved her make-up, manicured nails, perfume and clothes; but she wasn’t into anything expensive and sort of detested her own mother for insisting on the best of everything. At the time I started to really enjoy fashion, my mother sort of became a hippy. She divorced my father, married and moved in with a Venezuelan man from a missionary in Florida, and started working in a homeless shelter. She started to wear old comfortable clothes and let her once short always perfectly hair dried tresses grow long. She stopped wearing jewelry and make-up and cared less about a perfectly clean house and homemade dinners on the table. My grandmother and I thought her to be crazy. She became quite spiritual and pretty adamant that these “things” just don’t matter.

They have both since passed. I now understand my mother a whole lot more. At some point in the past few years my feet really started to hurt in shoes. Many a morning when it was freezing cold out and I was in a rush, drying my hair and squeezing into stockings knowing there would be no time for breakfast, I watched my husband turn dashing in about 5 minutes flat, and then make himself some eggs and read the paper over a long cup of coffee. I am no longer sure that the time sacrifice to look nice is worth it and should be encouraged. There were times during PMS or that time of the month where it took all the energy in the world to get up and dressed to the nines and get to work. Running to the bathroom with feminine hygiene products discreetly in tow in between meetings; and then being embarrassed to show up late while being wildly uncomfortable and bloated, with pinching clothes… only to sit down and see some man who I’m sure took 5 minutes to be ready and who ate a breakfast gawk at me like a piece of meat. Not cool dudes out there. I was really doing these things for me because they were fun, not for them. How dare men get to do nothing and then stare at pretty women? I was understanding what people meant when they say it’s a man’s world.

I started to notice the respect that well dressed women get. A female standing at a podium making a speech with an unfitted shirt and wild undried hair just does not command the same attention as the slim suit skirt with lipstick and a Brazilian blowout who would follow before or after her. I have watched audiences, colleagues and even coffee baristas ignore the comfortable, practical woman over the impeccable one who had to put hours into looking that way time and time again. When this realization started to take hold, I began to get bitter about the injustices women in general face.

I understood the bra burning craze and movement toward a hippie life in the late 60’s, early 70’s. There were men at the time who understood these injustices too and went with the flow. What stopped them? Drugs and too free of a life I assume, but they weren’t on a bad track. The jokes about the ladies room lines really started to get to me. Yeah haha funny, but it’s just not really ok. Why are their restrooms even close to the same size as ours? We are heading in with babies, small children and handbags. Changing tables, broken hooks with no where to hang a purse many times except your own teeth. Sweating in a jacket, squeezing in with a little kid, having to actually wash your hands at all, but then doing it while balancing everything else one is holding trying not to touch anything nasty. Why is bringing the kids into the ladies room still even the norm? Even when you don’t have any or they have grown, they are all still in there, underfoot; being lifted to the sinks. Poor mother doing a balancing act and everyone right around her trying not to get in the way or hit with splashed water. Forget it if you have your period and need to take care of business amongst the chaos. Then only to go outside and see the man you are with happily on his iPhone, never understanding what you have just gone through… Or bless his soul never understanding why you are an irritated grump when he asks what took you so long.

That is in my free country. There are women who are actually still oppressed in the world. All over. Then there are THOUSANDS who are made to work fields under hot burkas so we can drink coffee and eat chocolate and meat. There are many more who have to work in hot deplorable falling down factories to make cheap garments… Sadly mostly for women so men can ogle them.

Domestic violence. The sex trade that men actual pay for, treating women like objects. Women are not equal. I don’t know why I believed that when someone told me that when I was young.

A few months ago I watched a free Netflix movie called Miss Representation. I was so moved by it I had all 4 kids watch it. There are SO many unfair and male dominated decisions even in our “free” country right under my nose that I never noticed. Why the sex object in ads, video games, movies? It’s so ingrained that we don’t even notice it and little girls (and big ones too like me) think it’s normal to have to strive to look fake all the time. In politics, tv and movies; women are cheapened and made fun or or talked about provocatively when a man almost never faces the same ridicule. What’s even funnier is that at the end of the day women actually get down to business. Men are often consumed with power and being the alpha male in the room or thinking about what’s under one (or more) of the women’s clothes, that they aren’t even paying attention and things are repeated and beaten to oblivion before a decision is even made. One of my favorite parts of the Miss Representation movie I mentioned is how some political women who are a MAJOR minority in the United States said that they often joke in the bathroom across party lines on breaks that they would have had the decision over and done with in a few minutes opposed to the days they are spending deliberating on our capital’s floor watching egos and the same non-sense being repeated over and over.

I wish my mother and grandmother were still alive to have intelligent chats over coffee (my mom) or a gin & tonic (my grandmother), about how they feel about feminism in this day and age. We are in an interesting time period. My grandmother grew up during the depression when men and women’s roles were a little different. Not too far from the farming generation where no one worked outside the home, and men & women were equal in taking care of two different parts of running a home and raising children. Fashion had no part of practical life. Men were getting their power reduced with voting and equal rights. Both sexes pooled together to do what needed to be done for our country with WW2. Women looked and acted like women, men like men- but it seemed fair. Even when men left the home to work and more money was flowing, women stayed home to keep house and raise the kids. Then the economy started to boom and women now had products (made by men no doubt) that made them look shapely, done up and feel pretty. Advertisement, tv and movies ramped it up and suddenly it was the female norm to be “done up” everyday, stay skinny and keep a perfect home.

Bring in my mom’s generation who had to do all that but then also work outside the home to buy all these life necessities to look and be perfect. Child rearing, keeping house, working like a horse; but doing it with heels, perfume and make up was and still is generally an expectation of females only. Men just have the work like a horse part. Women fought against it at first with the bra burning and high divorce rates of the 70s, but somehow they became oppressed and took on extra roles throughout the years. Many women, myself included, play this part because it’s what we were taught to do. We saw it on tv and magazines and in movies, watch our mothers, aunts and neighbors do it; so we think it’s normal and don’t even question the differences. Men run 95% of the media and politics, everything that shapes out perception of the world. My mom, like most other women, (now myself included) ended up hitting a burn out wall. We feel mostly powerless against the world and against the majority of women who have not yet awoken to this reality, feel there is nothing we can do and kind of quietly rebel against this nonsense.

Gender inequality is everywhere. I saw it so much on the vacation I’m returning from over a vast number of cultures in a few countries. I’m on a plane right now. Everywhere I look men are sitting spread eagle right into the women’s spaces. Women are sitting uncomfortably like ladies. Most men push past women everywhere, doorways, trains, on lines. When I see a woman struggling with a suitcase or trying to get a stroller down stairs, it’s another women helping her and other ladies making sure she is being helped unlike the oblivious men charting off to push the weaker and slower out of the way as soon as possible. Women are still covered in much of the world. They can’t show their faces. They are the ones pushing strollers and lugging the family’s bags. In the crowded and stinky restrooms women are brushing out their hair, applying a fresh coat of lipstick to keep their man’s attention and tending to the children. Why don’t men have to do any of this?

Men may never know what it feels like to be scared to get into a cab late at night or even walk to the car. They never have to change their last name and deal with the legal obnoxiousness of having several identities. Or being paid less for doing the same job! They cannot understand the pressure most young girls start to feel in the preteen years when they see their dad, brother or classmate’s nudie photos for the first time and start to believe they need to look like the altered models for a man to find them attractive. They have eating disorders and serious self confidence issues because of the media. Men will never understand what it feels like to bleed every month, have your hormone levels rise & fall and not have any control over the emotions souring through your body. Or being so tired some days from the loss of iron you can hardly function. We are told we are wimps for not pushing through crowds or dealing with a period, but has any man ever dealt with a menstrual cycle or been called a bitch for elbowing their way through a crowd? Yeah yeah yeah… the way of the world and the curse of being a woman and all that stuff, but by who? It’s the way of the world, but we should be able to see the injustice and unfairness in the differences of the genders. How can women embrace femininity when they are expected to be both sexes at the same time and take on every role every man or woman has had since the dawn of time? So many women before me including my own mother have realized this simple fact but are such a minority that they can hardly do anything about it except maybe hold some rallies where they are mocked by both sexes alike or post blogs, write stories or make low budget movies where they will be called a feminist and very possibly be publicly made fun of.

In some ways my grandmother and Miss Helen had it a little easier. A bit closer to a period where women were gaining domestic and political rights but both sexes had a very separate yet equal role. Men held doors and helped ladies with heavy bags. Both sexes dressed up and women weren’t expected to have twiggy like bodies. I may have loved being a girl then.

I still do enjoy many parts of being a girl, but not at the expense of being expected to do it all. In the past few years I only blow dry my hair once or twice a week. I don’t wear make up many days. I’m certainly wearing more comfortable clothes and shoes. I shop only consignment. I care much less about ultra girly things. I would rather drop money on a charity to help women and children around the world shape the next generation over an expensive bag that plays into the obscene role of the woman who has the perfect job, kids, clothes, house, and husband. It’s fake and exhausting. I’ve been waking up to this reality over the past few years and can feel proud that I talk to my own daughter about the confusing world women live in so she doesn’t fall into the same confused state many of us are or were in.

No more having three-year olds in tight sparkly costumes cut down in a heart shape to their non-existent bust. All dolled up with hairspray and lipstick, looking like a clown singing about enjoying being a girl in a world where there is female oppression, genital mutilation and sex trade. If you are lucky enough to live in a free country, enjoying  being a girl means obsessing over your weight, bearing most of the household duties, watching your sisters be gawked at and spoken of as objects and spending hours a day trying to look like the media says you should to be taken seriously at work or even in the grocery store.

I also know there are a lot of men and single dads out there that do play a big role in parenting and running a house. They get my kudos and I know they are likely helped with that baby stroller on the stairwell by another women rather than a fellow dude. It’s also a woman who sees you outside a public restroom deliberating how you and your daughter can both use the bathroom and offers to take her in.

We are all human, let’s treat each other as such. This just means a little more elbow grease from the “weaker sex” on raising awareness in both world wide and domestic issues; and a little more compassion from men on what half of the population around them feels. Equal rights and equality between sexes is not the same thing.

Love & Peace. Namaste.

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Classes, Bonds & Namaste

Posted on by Esterina Anderson

Yesterday I learned by the grace of Facebook that someone I went to high school with passed away. I didn’t know her well, but I do remember her. It saddens me to hear this, but it also warms my heart to see people console and comfort one another. As I scroll down the newsfeed I recognize my old classmates and their comments. I am Facebook friends with the majority of them. This had me thinking a lot about the concept of “classes”.

“Classes” for lack of a better word is what I’m using to describe an era one is a part of. Daren coined it once when I was trying to describe the strange feeling I got at work one day when I saw two old co-workers in a large hospital wide leadership meeting pass one another after one received an award. They made quick eye contact and didn’t say a word. It was a sparkle of the eye and perhaps not quite a full nod of the head, but certainly an acknowledgment in a very comfortable way that one was pleased for the other; and the recipient acknowledged the greeting with an unspoken thank you. Neither one of them nor I work together any longer, but we did work together for several years and developed sort of a family. Daren said it’s like a “class”. Class? I asked. Yes, class; like in high school or college. And I thought – ahhhh…. like boot camp or when a group of people work together.

My graduating class in 1994 had 550ish students. I pretty much remember every last one of them. It was 22 years ago the last time we were all together walking off the football field on a hot summer June afternoon, but the common bond is still there. More time has passed than the age we were at the time; but I completely recognize the faces and even their personalities. A few more grey hairs and some life lines on the faces; but everyone very much looks the same to me. We were not a group that had the Internet, email, social media, or even really used a computer when we went our separate ways. Somehow around 15 years later or so when most 30 somethings started using social media, many of us logged into these sites and through friends and acquaintances virtually hooked up and became “Facebook friends”.

I was in many different classes to date in my life and will likely be in several more. I was in a class with all the places I was stationed in the military. With my NJROTC group. With every work circle and job I had. With many of the graduates from my highschool who moved on in 1993 and 1995. My old vanpool, my current yoga teacher training, even with the kids in my neighborhood and on my bus back in Mastic Beach. These classes are not all the same and do not hold the same level of bonding, but they are all special none-the-less.

Three of these classes had bonds for me that are stronger than the rest. When I see the individuals I shared these experiences with either in real life or through social media, some level of comfort comes over me. I feel safe with them. The first class was my high school graduating one and the folks who commenced in my exact year. The second was the first ship I was stationed on “The Boutwell”. And the third was my last job in Primary Care at the VA Hospital.

I remember the men and women, boys and girls in these groups fondly. I can easily recall everyone’s quirks, strengths and weaknesses. There were group jokes and references. I didn’t enjoy them all the time, but I would liken it to a family. You are with a group and you are comfortable. Everyone has a role. People help each other & have one another’s back at the end of the day. And years later that sticks with you even when you aren’t together any longer. That bond is just always there.

The lighter bonds are also distinguishable. My inner energies do light up and recognize my other classes or those with whom I’ve never met as we share common experiences. There is a level of recognition and comfort that one can’t put into words. For example when I meet someone who was in Coast Guard or from my hometown (both rarely), or even from Long Island; something inside me recognizes on a subtle level that deep down my body already knew this before they told me.

That inner recognition is why I honor the word Namaste so deeply. I can see, feel, and hear even the spirit in all beings when I actually look. It’s there all the time but we aren’t trained to recognize it. We can capitalize on it more by recognizing what Namaste really is through common experiences and noticing what it feels like, so we can dig deeper to see that it’s always there; and treat everyone and everything with love, dignity and respect.

My heart smiles as I watch my old classmates recall memories and express their disbelief and sadness over the passing of one of our own. It’s helped me to recognize a little more of the subtle energy in our world. I am grateful for those three experiences with classes in my life where the bond for me runs a little deeper because they have helped me to experience the world more consciously. Which is a gift we all have and should never take for granted.

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Lexapro 100 day journal

Posted on by Esterina Anderson

Wow… 100 days. I went to see my primary care provider this afternoon for a follow-up on my anxiety and refill on my SSRI. I noted to myself that I have not journaled in a long time about my experience with Lexapro and came home to do so. I put the date I started and today’s date into Excel to see how many days it’s been – since I completely lost count; and to my utter surprise it’s 100 days exactly today. I feel like things are under control. I get anxious occasionally and I did have a panic attack last Wednesday at work. But the last time before that I had a panic attack was 5 weeks prior to then, but it was an incredibly stressful morning. As I told my provider this afternoon, I almost need to feel slightly anxious every so often because it’s my body’s trigger to slow down. If I went up any more on my dose I might not feel anxious at all and push myself too far. I’m in a good place.

And slow down I have! I am smelling the roses. I catch myself unnecessarily trying t o beat the clock for no good reason and I stop to consciously appreciate the present moment, no matter how unpleasant (except for traffic… I have NOT mastered feeling ok with the present in traffic). I am on my back deck. I can hear the trees blowing in the wind. I am not taking appreciating life for granted. I hope I always feel this way. I’m going to try to make an effort because life is better slower and in gratitude. I spent the day weeding the garden with my feet in the dirt. I thought about weeds and good and evil & cleaning/purging and how we need to do that with our minds by meditating reguarly. You can’t weed on occasion and expect weeds will not grow. You can’t clean every so often and think your home will not get dirty. As above so below – you cannot meditate every once in a while and expect to walk around with a clear head and zen outlook.

I loved the journey since I started medication. Someone told me to journal about it and I did. I was so afraid to start my medication. I kept the meds a few days before I began and read about it online obsessively. I was afraid of not feeling like myself. A girl wrote about how she had been on Lexapro for a year. She was artsy and creative and had incredible mood swings before she started the drug. She said she drew and painted so much more passionately before she started and now wondered if she should go off and be her real self again. That scared me. But the 5-10% of people or so who had good things to say, and didn’t have a nightmare of an experience said they were glad to actually feel like their old self again. That is what I wanted. I like being passionate & creative and all that jazz, but I did want to feel like myself. What would be the worse thing? It would be a nightmare and I’d go off and be in the same place I was? My biggest fear was losing myself, but actually – I found myself again. And I’m all the better for it.

 

March 16, 2016; 10:16pm

And here goes 

About to take my first dose of lexapro. I may be miserable the next few days and worse off. I’m officially someone diagnosed with a mental health condition and I need meds. I pray it works because I so desperately want to feel better. This may be the last of the real Esterina. I love myself. I’m sorry I lost it. I will be better. And here goes…

 

March 18, 2016; 5:44pm 

Lexapro – Day 2

I am a person who is in touch with themselves. Deeply. I can already feel a difference. This morning when I woke up, it was the first time I woke up and didn’t have the sense of impending doom looming over me in a long time. It was amazing! But I know it’s not working yet because after a few minutes of lying in bed I started my normal anxiety. Only this time it felt different. I was short of breath, but somehow it wasn’t causing pain in my head. It was like it was cut off from my head or something. Then I read a text from Daren that he sent last night. I could hardly see it. The words and font looked kind of different, smaller if anything and a little sharper. I went down to the kitchen and prepared a fresh juice. I went back upstairs to reply to Daren’s texts. It wasn’t until he started making rigmarole plans with different pick-ups and hockey bags and complicated collaboration that the anxiety really started. Only it didn’t even come close to a panic attack. 

Today at work I was able to focus. Focus on one thing at a time. Not as well as I’d like but I was SO SO SO productive. It was crazy! I had energy I hadn’t had in years. Is this what drugs really do? No wonder these are prescription drugs. I almost want to up my dose to the 10 I’m not supposed to start until at least Sunday, but I’ll hold off. 

Driving home felt good. Usually I’m numb and kind of miserable. I wouldn’t go as far as saying that I was happy, but I was pretty ‘unmiserable’. 

I laughed like I did when I was younger twice in the past two days. Once about an hour after I took my first pill. I immediately felt a sense of chill about 5-10 minutes later. I did have a few margaritas with Gretchen and Lucy earlier in the evening. I know I’m not supposed to drink and take this, but I didn’t want to say no to hanging with them, especially while Daren was away and I haven’t seen them in so long. And I was suffering SO much with anxiety I didn’t want to wait even another day until I started the journey. So I took it that night. I felt a little chill as I drifted off into bed. I thought back to the day and remembered a funny incident at work. Haha!!! I couldn’t stop laughing. It was like when I was a kid or teenager before I got married and had kids… when I’d laugh all the time. Then yesterday the same thing happened in a meeting. It was a construction meeting and one of the police officers was describing an area that someone requested we do construction in. He was describing the half wall they were asking for and the reason being he said was… he didn’t know the medical term – but it was to give the patients a “shot in the buttocks”. OMG, I started laughing but stopped. I was holding back – I mean this is a professional meeting & all right? I’d heard this shot in the butt story before. Then when someone else was referring to it a few minutes later and he said “to give these shots in the butt” I started laughing again. And like when I was young. I knew it was inappropriate but I was giggling uncontrollably anyway. I couldn’t stop and it was almost embarrassing. Everyone looked at me when I really busted up. With tears streaming down my face. I said “I’m so sorry I’m laughing about this like a 5 year old”. And they all started laughing too. It felt so good. It felt like me raw. What’s funny is that it is me raw. I guess that is what it feels like to have my brain more in balance. 

I NEVER really time off from work. But over the past year or two I’ve probably taken between 6-8 mental health days with some other excuse. I always felt guilty as if I was cheating the system or something. I do it so nicely too. I make sure my work is done, my meetings are covered, I often get online & work throughout the day and answer questions. But overall I felt guilty. Truth is though, I do have a mental health condition and needed those mental health days. My reactions and feelings aren’t normal. I truly am suffering. It took having my first panic attack to realize how unstable I felt. While I don’t treasure them, I do in some way for getting me to realize I really was at a breaking point and needed help. I need help. It feels good to say that. And as long as this medication keeps improving and there are little to no (and fingers crossed for no) side effects then I’m SO happy I’m taking the steps to feel mentally healthy again. I cried coming home from the doctor when the med was prescribed. I felt like a loser. Now I don’t. I read somewhere where someone wrote coming out with a mental health disorder to other people felt worse than coming out of the closet. I felt like I could sympathize. I stared at the bottle. I read the instructions for a medicine the first time ever. I read everything I could get my hands on online about Lexapro. I was scared. When I finally made the decision to start taking it I was kind of excited and not scared anymore. I’m glad I waited the time out because now it feels right. Fingers crossed it’s only on the up & up from here. I want to be me again. 

March 21, 2016; 5:35am 

Lexapro – Day 5

Tired is all I can say. I have no energy. Saturday morning I woke up in full on Fight or Flight mode, only my thoughts were rational and I didn’t try to figure out what was the matter with or try to talk to Daren about all that is wrong in our lives & the world. It was just obvious that my body was reacting to absolutely nothing and I had to let it ride out. My mind didn’t follow it. It was nice, but unsettling. I can’t believe the medication would work so quickly. Saturday late afternoon when I went to take a shower, about 2 minutes into it I was hit a giant wave of exhaustion. Crazy exhausted. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to make it out of the shower safely. I did though. Daren came up and made sure I was able to get dressed. Then I went downstairs to the couch and kind of didn’t move most of the night. I got up for about 15 min to eat dinner, but had to lay back down. I slept for about 2 hours before dinner. Then again through most of the movie we watched. Sat night I know I looked at the clock before I fell into a deep sleep in bed, and it was 10:50. I woke up at 7:50, a full 9 hours later! But I was still tired. Saturday evening I switched from 5mg to 10mg. I was expecting to wake up with some wooziness and nausea, but didn’t. I was just super lethargic.

I forced myself out of bed and downstairs for some green tea. Stupidly Daren and I started our quarterly detox too. Probably a bad idea to be detoxing and starting a new medication. I started to gain some energy around noon. I made all the dinners for the week and cleaned up the kitchen & house a bit. Then I took Koji on a very mild 2 mile walk. But when I came home I was exhausted again. I went to take a shower (a very quick one because no one was home and I was afraid I’d fall asleep in there). Then I went to the couch. I couldn’t really fall asleep and I had no motivation to do anything. I had a mini panic attack. I’m not even sure why. I was incredibly depressed and crying on the couch. I was thinking about putting real clothes on today to go to work (no yoga pants) and it just made me so sad. I felt like I couldn’t deal with life. At that time I felt pangs of anxiety, but nothing fight or flight like within me. It was more like depression to be honest. No beating heart or doom & gloom thoughts. I got up to eat and right back to the couch. Until bed. I slept like a log. I had a hard time getting up for work today, but here I am.

 I feel drugged up. I really do. My motor skills are slower than usual. I’m SO tired. I can’t say enough about how little energy I have. And I’m really hungry. Don’t know if it’s the meds or the detox, but just hungry. I hope this wears away. I’m having a hard time caring about anything, especially work. I hope this balances out. Good vibes & lots of love.

 

March 25, 2016; 5:40am

Lexapro – Day 9

I’ve been SO depressed. I had no energy the past few days. I have been FORCING myself to walk. I drank pink wine & had chocolate last night. I had such forceful cravings. I should be getting my period so that might be it too. Plus I have heard Lex can make your anxiety and depression a little worse. I’ve felt my body in fight or flight a LOT, but my mind has not always taken me there. It has a few times. It’s been a rough few days since I’ve last written. 

Today I’m feeling great so far. I’ve only been up a for a little bit though. I got up & stretched and I put on a mask and gave myself a mani & pedi. I feel good. I feel solid. I still feel anxiousness in my head, but I just feel happy. I want to stay here (as I know everyone does). I NEED to work peace and meditation into my day everyday. It helps. I feel good. Namaste.

 

March 28, 2016; 12:24pm

Lexapro – Day 12

I had an absolutely terrible weekend at first. I mean terrible. I felt great on Friday. Like my old self. I was productive at work as I was the Friday before. I had a beer Friday night at the Wolfpack game and felt ok for a while. I started feeling a little depressed and by the time we got home I wanted to kill someone. I was so anxious about our ridiculous lives. None of the kids were supposed to be with us, but 3 of them suddenly were. I fell asleep right away but woke up to Kieran taking a shower at 12:15 in the morning. His mother left his belongings behind my car earlier that evening, and then Gabby ran them over while we weren’t home when she borrowed my car. She had to have the neighbors come over and help bail the crap out from under the car. Once I woke up and couldn’t fall back to sleep my blood started to boil and my anxiety kicked in. I lost it. I had a panic attack. The next morning on the couch I had another. Overall I’m not really feeling better yet. Today at work I haven’t really done a thing this morning. I’m so completely unmotivated. I know that doctors sometimes prescribe Xanax or something for breakthrough panic until the SSRI starts to kick in. I’m in a weird place. I have my fingers crossed this works. Every passing day I hope I’m one day closer. I did have the energy to get up & do some yoga stretching this morning.

 I know I sound a little rambly. I can’t wait to have motivation again. I did have it on Friday. Today I’m moving in slow motion. I was better this morning. I even did my 5 minutes of meditation that I always intend to do. I did it on Friday too. I really did give me a good sense of peace and inner stillness. Just now I’m SO tired. I’m tired. I’m not doing anything useful for the world. I don’t know what to say. I want to feel better. I just want to feel better. I really do.

 

March 30, 2016; 5:32am

Lexapro – Day 14

One thing I have been forgetting to mention is the very realistic dreams. People seem to use the word vivid but to me they just seem real. Like it’s real life and I wake up confused about whether or not something actually happened.

One of the things that recently happened to me last Tuesday is that several of my pills went down the sink. I ordered a pill box so that wouldn’t happen. It had 4.5 stars on Amazon so I chose it. It came on Friday (I think… maybe Saturday?) and I’ve been using it ever since. I’m not completely impressed with it. I just thought it would be easier than twisting off that terrible cap every time. Then last night I dreamt of this pill box. The days of the week wouldn’t close. The pills were falling out all in my make-up bag. I thought to myself that I needed to write a bad review and in my mind I thought as a consolidation the company would be mailing me a new one. I wasn’t going to get another one, I was just going to put the pills in a plastic bag instead. Vivid dreams. Realistic really.

 

April 1, 2016; 5:21am

Lexapro – Day 16

Yesterday was the first day I felt good all day. I think waking up & doing yoga first thing had something to do with it. I’ve also been meditating every morning at work for 5 minutes before starting the day. I’ve been opening the the window and looking out. Hearing the sounds of West Haven waking up. Feeling the cool morning air. Even the day it was raining. It was nice. Today I am in Newington. There is no window. I will try to meditate anyway at 8:15 when morning report starts and I know no one will bother me. 

Yesterday I felt kind of normal or what I imagine other people feel as normal. I caught myself catching my breath a few times and taking deep sighs, but I didn’t try to follow my body to why I felt stressed and just kept saying to myself that I shouldn’t water the weeds (of thoughts). It helped yesterday. It doesn’t always. Hopefully it’s the lex and then hopefully I can remap my brain to do that all the time.

This morning was the first time in 2 weeks that I woke up and didn’t have stress coursing through my veins with my heart beating. I’m trying not to think too much about it because it can go any second, AND thinking about it causes more stress usually. Please God/Universe/Almighty…. I need a clear mind. Peace. Tranquility.

 

April 4, 2016; 5:40pm

Lexapro – Day 19

Today I feel really good. Saturday I felt overall nothing. Not depressed. Not happy. Just nothing. Unmotivated too. I kind of did almost nothing. I did change out my summer and winter clothes though. Not having the feeling of being too attached to doing anything else or the outcome helped me to just concentrate on what I was doing and do it well. Time flew by. It was kind of nice and it felt nice to look back and see the progress I made with the clothes change. Something simple and it made me feel accomplished. Then for some reason on the way down to Shannon’s wine party later that afternoon, listening to music I perked up. I perked up so much I was singing to the music. It felt nice. After that I went out with Mirta and Elizabeth. We went to J. Timothy’s. I was kind of mellow. I feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes. I feel duller somehow.

Yesterday I woke up pretty motivated. We slept in until after 9 I think. A good night’s sleep felt really nice. I didn’t do much of anything yesterday at all. I made a few foods in the morning to prep for the week. I took my time. Again not being attached to an outcome feels nice. Then I touched up all the white trim around the house. Sometime in the morning while cooking, most of us were at home but all split up doing various things around the house. I was suddenly incredibly motivated to talk to Kieran and Devin about odd blended family situation. What I’m forgetting to write is that on Friday right after I wrote in here Daren copied me on an email to his ex. She was vague about Keiran’s plans so I asked to clarify something. Well…. she went nuts and spouted back that I’m the step-parent and there is no reason I should communicate about her kids plans. I just wrote back again and said I’d like to know what is going on in my own house.

One of the main things I’m learning about myself is that a situation doesn’t bother me as it’s happening; it’s usually down the road hours or a few days later that I’m affected. I think it was because it was how I coped with domestic violence as I was growing up. At the time of an unpleasant experience I am strong and normal. Only later do I allow myself to process. So, as I was happily cooking Sunday morning, I started to process what felt like an unnecessary attack on Friday. I was in a good mood and just felt like I could talk to the kids. Daren was supposed to come home sooner than I thought with Devin so I was kind of waiting for them. But a lot of time passed and I didn’t have the opportunity when I was ready to talk it so I missed it. I really wanted to air things out though, so I thought I would write down everything I wanted to talk to them about and chat together after dinner. Then I thought the kids might get upset and misconstrue my words, so I thought I’d send an email ahead of time so there were no misinterpretations. I thought about what I might write for hours while I cooked and painted. I finally sat down and the thoughts were just pouring out of me. I imagined their mom one day reading it in case they got upset and forwarded it to her, so I was very PC.

 When I was finished, I felt spent. I sent it to Daren first for his advice. I had no idea how he would react. I asked him to read it and disappeared to take a shower. I felt a huge release and a little panicky. I think a few weeks ago before the lexapro I might have had a panic attack. But I didn’t. I did feel shaky though. Daren came upstairs after my shower to tell me that it was beautiful and that I should sent it right away. I did. Then he told the boys to read it. Kieran did, Devin had some kind of mishap with receiving it. We kind of openly talked about a few things after dinner after Gabby left the table. Then I left Daren and Kieran to talk while I took Koji out for a walk. I know I left the door open for them to talk about some stuff more openly than likely they ever have since I’ve known them at least.

 After that I was kind of numbish again. It’s nice to be numb. I thought I would be upset not feeling so hard, but it’s kind of peaceful. This morning I woke up with more energy than I’ve had in long time. I did about 15 minutes of yoga, no meditation. Had coffee. Actually listened to music again & sang! And I’ve been moderately motivated at work. Not as much as I normally am, but much more than last week. That’s how I am! Thanks for listening.

 

April 7, 2016; 5:56pm

Lexapro – Day 22

I’m so so so tired of not feeling like myself. I’m tired of feeling blah and uninspired. I’ve been escaping with reading. I don’t want to deal with my bullshit life. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m not doing well. I can’t say this medication is working. I had no control over my mind today or my emotions. What can I say?

 

April 22, 2016; 5:21am

Lexapro – Day 37

Let today be the start of something new. It’s earth day. We had a beautiful full moon last night & now one this morning. I’ve felt good the past few days. I want to somehow get out of working at the VA, at least full time. I know it doesn’t work for me anymore and I’m just not that interested in the politics of it anymore. Not sure what to do. Wish me luck in discovering whatever it is.

 

April 27, 2016; 12:49pm

Lexapro – Day 42

What inspired me to write is the walk I just took. I’m walking much faster and with much more gusto. I have been walking since 2003 at lunch nearly every day in rain, snow or shine. I have been walking with gusto for years. I never stopped walking, but I did stop walking with gusto. I still took the stairs, but never with conscious thought anymore. Walking the stairs made me pant. I’m not panting anymore 🙂 I don’t even know when that happened :-). I can’t smile enough about this.

 Everything else in my life stayed the same. It’s my body that is different and calmer. I am enjoying the little things more. Things that used to stress me out matter a bit less, but excitingly enough I’m more excited and engaged with them if that makes any sense.

 What likely stopped me from completely falling to pieces are the good habits that I had already. Like taking the stairs, walking daily. Getting up early to stretch and having a quiet cup of coffee. Eating fairly well. I had lost any and all motivation. I hated doing all those things. But the act of doing them out of habit helped me not to delve into a downward spiral. I’m proud of myself for not giving up and just going through the motions even though I wasn’t there and couldn’t care less about it. It still helped even though I couldn’t feel it at the time.

 All else is ok. I am not loving my job like I never had before. Not since the early days in the Coast Guard as a non-rate have I stared at the clock and mentally counted the hours and minutes until I would get to leave. It’s been a while. It kind of stinks. I liked being engaged more, but I feel a call to do something more. I wrote about my experience with stress in my blog esterinaanderson.com. It was cathartic. I had it posted to facebook. I’m not sure if I already journaled this or not, so I may be repeating myself – lol. Just wanted to catch up. 6 weeks. Feeling good.

 

May 12, 2016; 12:37pm

Lexapro – Day 57

Happy happy lunch break. It’s been a while since I’ve written about my lex experience regularly these days. I’ve been feeling better. My physical anxiety has not gotten better – only mental. I can think so much more clearly. The biggest thing I did yesterday was actually write to my acting boss & the director to ask to work part-time and if that’s not possible I understand that they will have to replace me. I basically said in a very nice way it’s part-time or I just can’t. I told them about my stress. I told them it sounds like I’m sharing something personal but I’ve shared it publicly. I haven’t heard back yet, but I do have an appointment (requested by the director himself) for today at 2pm. It has to be about my email I imagine.

The strange thing is that I’m not worried about this meeting at all. What is the worst thing that can happen? They fire me and I stay home & relax and garden, take care of Koji, read, cook dinners for the family, pick up kids who need rides. Shop for our food and not have it delivered? Clean my own house & not have a service come?  Like normal people… 

I can think about opening a yoga studio and start an hour bank in my town. I’m still fairly young, I have skills that are worthy, and I have motivation to do good for the world. If I can’t do it at my job where I’d like to, I’ll do it somewhere else. That I know for sure.

In some weird way, I’m really oddly not tied to the outcome as much as I may have once been. Is it the lexapro? The yoga?  My intentions I’m a bit better about setting? I don’t know… but I’m happy and I threw something out there that I can’t take back, and whatever happens it won’t be what I’m doing now… and that makes me SO happy. Hugs & lots of love to all beings.

 

June 24, 2016; 7:51pm

And as I read back through all of this and previously journaled day 100; I’m in an awesome place. I still don’t know what’s going on with my job! I’m working 3 days a week for now, but don’t know if it will be in my current position or any myriad of possibilities. Who knows? I’m ready for anything! It’s been a while since 3/16 when I journaled “here goes”. No regrets! For anyone ever wondering if it’s worth its, for me… it was.

 

March 29, 2018; 1:14pm

The story didn’t end here. I no longer take this medication. It’s been a journey… And I’m in a better place because of it. Lexapro Journal (Continued)

 

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